IF I'D ONLY KNOWN

       Tomorrow will be the first day of school for Dayton High School.  Junior year for the Class of 2012.   If I'd only known the picture I took of Andrew last August would be my last "first day of school" picture that I would ever take of him, what would I have done differently?  If I'd only known . . .

• I would have given him the world;
• I would have taken away his pain;
• I would have made his life easier;
• I would have been kinder with my words;
• I would have listened more intently;
• I would have looked at him--really looked at him.

While I've been pondering this, I began thinking about when Jesus was tested by Satan. 

• "Command this stone to turn into a loaf of bread," says Satan.
• "It takes more than bread to really live," replied Jesus.
• "Worship me and they're all yours (all the nations of the world). . ." says Satan.
• "Worship the Lord your God and only the Lord your God.  Serve him with absolute single-heartedness," replied Jesus.
• "If you are God's son, jump.  It's written, isn't it, that 'he has placed you in the care of angels to protect you. . ." says Satan.
• "Yes, and it is also written, 'Don't you dare tempt the Lord your God!' " replied Jesus.

That completed the testing.  The Devil retreated temporarily, lying in wait for another opportunity.   Matthew 4:1-13

        This is kind of how I am feeling about the question, "If I'd only known, what would I have done differently?"  In reality, nothing I can do will turn back time.  However, Satan is always sitting on my shoulder, whispering. . ."If only you would have. . ."  If I ponder this question too much, I will go crazy.  I will allow Satan to put the same darkness on me that he covered Andrew with.  So, I'm not going to ponder that question any more.  "Stop asking me that question," I reply.
       During our trip to Yellowstone this summer, I had a dream about Andrew.  The dream takes place in our home.  It was June 7.  I kept telling myself--if I take him to school, everything will be okay.  If I insist that he let me wait for him, everything will be okay.  But of course, I can't turn back time.  In this dream I just look at him and ask him, "Do you know how difficult my life is without you?"  He looks right at me and with love in his face he says, "Yes, I do."
       I do know one thing I would love to be able to do, whether I knew what would happen or not.  I would take his beautiful face in my hands and I would make him understand how much I love him.  If I'd only known, I would have loved him even more.

~Andrew's Mom