There are many signs that the experts say one can see in a child who is suicidal. Giving things away. No plans. Final preparations. Notes. Threats. I can say I truly saw none of this in Andrew. He was sad, but he had a lot of plans for the summer and for his junior year. He was excited about football--he would get to play a new position. He was looking forward to summer basketball camps. We had even talked about his Senior Project. He wanted to spruce up the football bleachers. We had even talked with the superintendent about working on the bleachers. It would be a big project, so we felt we needed a year to get everything and everyone ready for this big project.
Spring ahead a year. Our family is still dealing with the shock that our youngest took his life. We try not to focus on the "what ifs." That would drive us all crazy, because we all think about what we could have done to prevent this. But this is our new reality and so we deal with our grief daily. One way Bill and I have dealt with the loneliness we feel in our lives is to do projects. We have done a lot of projects around our home this past year...it is better to be busy than to deal with the quiet in our home. The main thing that Bill and I wanted to complete this summer was to fulfill Andrew's Senior Project. It was very logical for us to do something at the football field, because we knew how much he loved being on any football field. For us, Bulldog Stadium was the place where the community shared with us in our grief in those early days. However, the original plan didn't work out, so we went to Plan B--give the boys' locker room a face lift and paint the back of the bleachers at the field.
So on the weekend of Bud and Marilyn's 50th anniversary Amanda, Clint, Ashley, Aunt Vicki, Bill, and I worked on making the locker room full of Bulldog pride. It was a great way for our family to do something in honor of Andrew for his friends. We taught Andrew, just as we had been taught by our parents, that service to others is important. So in service of Andrew we gave two places where he was happiest--the gym and the football field--a new look. In service of Andrew we gave back to our community as a thanks for the love and support they have given us during this past year.
When the boys go to get their gear for the first practice of the year they will see a "new" look in the locker room. There's something for the girls too. When they go to practice at the field, they will see a little more crimson and gold. It is a time they will remember their friend Groomer and one way for him to be with them during this last year of high school.
One night, when we were painting the back of the bleachers, a friend was at the field watching the soccer camp. He made a comment that sums up why we wanted to do this project... our kids deserve this. That is why Andrew wanted to make the bleachers look better. He was proud to be a Bulldog and he wanted to have the place he loved so much mirror his pride. So in service of Andrew...we begin the journey of a senior year without him.
It's less than a month away before school begins. I'm proctoring HSPE (high school proficiency exams) retakes this week, so I am officially beginning to get ready for school. The remnants of last school year sit in boxes, ready to be examined one more time before I put them in their place for the year.
At home, one can see remnants of visitors from a long, wonderful weekend. Yesterday, I put lawn chairs away from our Friday night party. There are leftover cookies from Bud and Marilyn's 50th Anniversary party on the counter. Today, perhaps, I will put away all of the toys that found their way out of storage totes. I love having toys around the house...it doesn't seem so kidless when there are toys in the backroom.
However, there are things in one bedroom in my home that I just can't seem to put in their rightful places. If I hang Andrew's t-shirt quilt over his bed or put his golf ball collection or his shadow box of special memories from his bulletin board in the places I have reserved for them, perhaps things will become too real for me to handle. I think I survive everyday, because in the back of my mind I keep a small hope that all of this is just a dream and I will wake up and need to buy him school supplies and clothes for his senior year of high school.
These last pieces of Andrew that haven't found a permanent home yet are just one more step I need to take in the healing process. This has been a summer of healing. Bill and I have done a lot of projects since June--some that needed to be finished, some just to keep us busy. Football will begin in two weeks. It should be a joyous time in our home. Instead, it is kind of sad. Another activity where we had planned to be in the middle of; however, our Bulldog is just a memory so we stand on the outside looking in. The first of many hard things for us to experience this year.
As I type this I see small remnants of crimson paint that stain my fingers...remnants of a project the kids, Bill, and I finished over the weekend. It is appropriate that I have that stain, because it is a lot like the stain of sadness that has colored my world during this past year. This stain, much like my sadness, will fade as this new school year begins. It has been a summer of healing, of taking remnants from a past full of love and hope, and creating a life without Andrew in the middle of it.
