My prayer shawl got caught in my chair this morning. It was all crumped in the corner and when I took it out, I ripped out a stitch. Is this symbolic of my prayer life during the past week or so?
Our church family gave me my prayer shawl the Sunday after Andrew's death. It has kept me in its warmth since that day. However, during the past week it started to slide down the back of my chair. This morning I realized it wasn't where it should be and found it stuffed in the corner of the chair, with one little corner showing me where it was. I tugged too hard and "rip" accompanied it to its freedom.
I'm thinking that is kind of how my prayer life has been this past week. Andrew is in my thoughts 24/7 these days. I thought I saw him coming out of his room Thursday night. I've seen him in my dreams the past two nights. I feel his presence all the time. Do you think he was trying to get my attention? "Hey Mom, haven't been talking to God much lately, have you?"
It's true. I've been trying to handle my sadness on my own lately. Busyiness has replaced my prayer life. The results--I'm not sleeping much and my mind is sad all the time, even when I pretend not to be. But God and I know the state of my mind and the state of my prayer life.
So, God, it's me. I haven't called you lately and I know I needed to. I need to stop trying to deal with my sadness and my loss on my own. Dear God--please help me. Thank you for all you have given me. Help me focus on the positive memories of my son's life, not on how it ended. Help me focus on the life I have left to live. Help me.
Thank you. In Christ's precious name...