I miss you. Tomorrow it will be nine months since you left us. Nine months--the same amount of time I carried you. Nine months--the amount of time that Dad and I have tried to go on with a life without you.
The past ten days or so have been okay--okay in the new normal of my life. The W-P boys advanced to the State B basketball tournament, so time at school had been all about preparing to go to Spokane. Dad and I went to the tournament for the first time in years. You didn't really like us going when you were there with the guys, so we respected your wishes and stayed home. This year we returned. We watched seventeen games in three days. Hendrix was with us too. She did great. Last night I realized how much she misses you too. Hayden was sitting in front of us at the championship games and she started picking on him. He was a great sport and "gave her the look" or poked her. She giggled so hard, she almost cried. I am thankful your friends are so kind to us and to her. The guys had a great season, but I think they missed you. At your vigil, Greg talked about how a part of the puzzle, a part of Bulldog Nation would now be missed. I think that is what they feel. That's how many of us feel. We look for you and you're not there.
Saturday morning the sadness returned with a vengeance. Rosalia was playing for a trophy and won pretty easily. After their victory, all the boys went into the stands to find their parents. As they were sharing those special times between son and parent, I realized I would never get to share that with you. I felt your presence in the arena. You spent four days there last year. I was there, but you weren't. The rest of the day was pretty dark. So much happiness for so many, so much sadness for one.
Many people think of you often. The girls went to the Revolve Tour with Marne this weekend. There was a presentation on suicide. I'm sure that brought up many emotions for them. Young Life brought a movie, "To Save a Life," twice to the Liberty. So many people want to help others know that life is worth living. This is a message we all wish you would have listened to.
Grandma found pictures from your birthday last year. I have a hard time looking at them--not only because I miss you so much, but because you look so sad. I've look through so many of the pictures of you from last year. Your football picture was so beautiful--a huge smile and a twinkle in your eye. So many of your pictures have that huge smile and that twinkle. But the twinkle was missing last year in so many pictures and I should have known something was wrong. But I just missed it. I'm so sorry about that. I'm so sorry about so much.
Once we returned from Spokane, Dad and I spent some time at your grave. The squirrels destroyed the finch sock we put out and they undid the wire Dad had over the bird feeder. The squirrels and Dad are at war--who will win? We found a bulldog at the craft fair in Spokane, so you now have a bulldog watching over you. Spring is coming. Soon, it will be summer and a year will have passed--an entire year without you with us. I know some want me just to get on with life and not talk or think about you--focus on something else. But I can't. You are with me in all I do. Everywhere I go, I think of a time you were there with me or I think about how you would like (or not) this place.
I've had all of this on my mind since I woke up today. I know it seems a little disjointed, but some days this is how my mind works. It makes it really hard to function at work. On days like that, I don't function at home. I know I will never stop missing you. I also know that no matter how much time will pass or how our lives will be, I will always be proud for people to know that I am your mom.
~I am Andrew's Mom