I BELIEVE

       I was fortunate this fall to be invited to join a Beth Moore Bible study.  Beth Moore is a powerful woman who has a powerful message.  Week Eight of this study answered some questions that I had been having in my life.  Why would God love someone like me?    This week's lessons reminded me about the power of God's unfailing love and how it helps me to believe.         
       Let's go back to Monday.  I was at my monthly attitude adjustment (a haircut) where I have a chance to have a wonderful 45 minute conversation and mental health session with my sister-in-law.  We were talking about Andrew and she told me she couldn't believe how strong I was in my faith.  Now, I was just a little surprised, because I feel like I am so weak in my faith.  For the most part, Bill and I are mourning privately and quietly.  We aren't out in public that often, so the public doesn't see the tears that still come daily.  The public doesn't hear the cries of why when I visit our son. However, I guess it is our faith that allows us to do much of anything.
      One of the side statements in my Week Eight study says, "By God's grace, I can do whatever He wills me to do."  So much of what has happened these past months has been through and with God's grace.  I know it was God's grace that allowed me to talk to those friends who shared our pain the night of Andrew's candlelight vigil.  I know it was God's grace that allowed Bill and me to make all the decisions concerning Andrew's remains and his service.   I know it is God's grace that allows me to go to school everyday and share in the lives of kids the same age as my son.  Even though being with the kids reminds me of what I've lost, it gives me peace to know lives go on.  It is God's grace that allows me to function at all.

       Those with no faith or who have never experienced God's grace may question my belief system.  And I don't know how to explain it to them other than to live my life in the presence of God's grace.

       One of the exercises of this particular day's study had me rewrite Romans 8: 38-39.  The original verse says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

       My rewrite says, "For I am convinced that neither my son's death or the difficulty of life without him can separate me from God's love.  Nothing--good or bad that is experienced in my life-- will separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

       My son took his life and left me with so many questions, even some questions for God.  So why is it that I believe?  I believe because I feel the presence of God with me at all times.  I believe because I look into the eyes of my grandchildren and see God's love.  I believe just because I do. 

       Brooks and Dunn recorded a song whose verse sums up the way I feel about my faith today.

I raise my hands, bow my head,
I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in red.
They tell me that there's more to life than just what I can see
Oh, I believe...

Yes, I do--I believe.

~Andrew's Mom