HEAVEN ON MY MIND

Do you know how many songs have the word heaven in them?  Just tonight as I was driving home I heard "If Heaven Weren't So Far Away" and "Holes in the Floor of Heaven."  Then I went to see Andrew and Alan Jackson started singing, "Sissy's Song" (Don't Worry About Me).

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why

Things happen half the time

Without reason without rhyme

Lovely, sweet young woman

Daughter, wife and mother

Makes no sense to me

I just have to believe

All week I have had that nagging word in my brain--"Why?"  Why did you leave us, Andrew?  Why didn't you know how much people cared for you?  Why didn't you think about how this would affect everyone who loves you?  Why?  Intellectually I believe the words in this stanza--"Things happen half the time, Without reason without rhyme...Makes no sense to me, I just have to believe."  My heart is just having a difficult time dealing with how much I miss him.

Loved ones he left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

June is coming too fast.  I am just trying to survive the end of the school year, trying to be sure that I don't cheat the seniors out of the joy they deserve to experience.  It is hard to share joy with others when you are feeling so lost inside.

He flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And he walks with Jesus and his loved ones waiting
And I know he's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Last night I finished the book Heaven is for Real by Todd Bumpo.  I know some who read the book may question how much can a four-year-old really know about the topic.  Because it is coming from a four-year-old I have a tendency to believe it all.  I get great comfort knowing that he saw Jesus and that Jesus put this little boy on his lap while he was there.  I get comfort knowing that the little boy saw family members in Heaven.  After reading this book I see Andrew so clearly, wings and all.  I get comfort thinking about Andrew walking with Jesus and with all of my family who went before him.  I know he's smiling and I keep hearing him whisper in my ear, "Don't worry about me."  I don't worry about him, but I do miss him so much. 

In English III we are reading The Scarlet Letter.  Arthur Dimmesdale constantly grabs his chest, acting like his heart is in pain.  One of the kids said today, "Do you think it's because his heart is breaking?"  I replied, "Yes, but figuratively rather than literally."  I understand the heart pain that Arthur was feeling.  His heart was breaking because he wasn't true to God or to the woman who gave up every bit of herself to keep their secret from society.  Just when I think my heart is starting to heal, I'll have a day like I had today.  When I went to visit Andrew, my heart broke all over again. 

Eric Clapton understands the brokenness of losing a child.  I'll end my thoughts on Heaven with his words.

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

~Andrew's Mom

AMAZING GRACE

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Bill and I spent the afternoon saying good-bye to another dear soul.  It was a lovely, traditional good-bye to a dear woman who had graced this earth for 90 years.  A friend sang "Amazing Grace" and as I listened to the words of this song, I thought, "Grace really is amazing."

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

My life these past ten months has been full of toils and snares.  The exhaustion of grief takes a toil, blame is a snare that can pull you under, and both exhaustion and blame can bring dangers that one cannot imagine.  However, God's grace really has brought me safely through a year I would not wish for anyone.  And it is my belief that one day, God's grace will lead me home.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

Parents of my childhood friends have been experiencing their flesh and hearts failing lately.  Their mortal lives have ceased.  Yet however sad it is for the family, we must believe that they have found joy and peace.  We must.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

The circle of life is one of the easiest things to explain, yet one of the hardest things to understand.  We know there is a time to be born and a time to die, but we never want people who we love to leave us.  And if they do leave us, we don't want them to leave us too soon.  If they do, we want to know why?  When there are no answers as to why, we must remember that God's grace will help us to go on.

Amazing Grace--Grace that is Amazing

~Andrew's Mom