HEAVEN ON MY MIND

Do you know how many songs have the word heaven in them?  Just tonight as I was driving home I heard "If Heaven Weren't So Far Away" and "Holes in the Floor of Heaven."  Then I went to see Andrew and Alan Jackson started singing, "Sissy's Song" (Don't Worry About Me).

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why

Things happen half the time

Without reason without rhyme

Lovely, sweet young woman

Daughter, wife and mother

Makes no sense to me

I just have to believe

All week I have had that nagging word in my brain--"Why?"  Why did you leave us, Andrew?  Why didn't you know how much people cared for you?  Why didn't you think about how this would affect everyone who loves you?  Why?  Intellectually I believe the words in this stanza--"Things happen half the time, Without reason without rhyme...Makes no sense to me, I just have to believe."  My heart is just having a difficult time dealing with how much I miss him.

Loved ones he left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

June is coming too fast.  I am just trying to survive the end of the school year, trying to be sure that I don't cheat the seniors out of the joy they deserve to experience.  It is hard to share joy with others when you are feeling so lost inside.

He flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And he walks with Jesus and his loved ones waiting
And I know he's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Last night I finished the book Heaven is for Real by Todd Bumpo.  I know some who read the book may question how much can a four-year-old really know about the topic.  Because it is coming from a four-year-old I have a tendency to believe it all.  I get great comfort knowing that he saw Jesus and that Jesus put this little boy on his lap while he was there.  I get comfort knowing that the little boy saw family members in Heaven.  After reading this book I see Andrew so clearly, wings and all.  I get comfort thinking about Andrew walking with Jesus and with all of my family who went before him.  I know he's smiling and I keep hearing him whisper in my ear, "Don't worry about me."  I don't worry about him, but I do miss him so much. 

In English III we are reading The Scarlet Letter.  Arthur Dimmesdale constantly grabs his chest, acting like his heart is in pain.  One of the kids said today, "Do you think it's because his heart is breaking?"  I replied, "Yes, but figuratively rather than literally."  I understand the heart pain that Arthur was feeling.  His heart was breaking because he wasn't true to God or to the woman who gave up every bit of herself to keep their secret from society.  Just when I think my heart is starting to heal, I'll have a day like I had today.  When I went to visit Andrew, my heart broke all over again. 

Eric Clapton understands the brokenness of losing a child.  I'll end my thoughts on Heaven with his words.

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

~Andrew's Mom

AMAZING GRACE

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Bill and I spent the afternoon saying good-bye to another dear soul.  It was a lovely, traditional good-bye to a dear woman who had graced this earth for 90 years.  A friend sang "Amazing Grace" and as I listened to the words of this song, I thought, "Grace really is amazing."

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

My life these past ten months has been full of toils and snares.  The exhaustion of grief takes a toil, blame is a snare that can pull you under, and both exhaustion and blame can bring dangers that one cannot imagine.  However, God's grace really has brought me safely through a year I would not wish for anyone.  And it is my belief that one day, God's grace will lead me home.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

Parents of my childhood friends have been experiencing their flesh and hearts failing lately.  Their mortal lives have ceased.  Yet however sad it is for the family, we must believe that they have found joy and peace.  We must.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

The circle of life is one of the easiest things to explain, yet one of the hardest things to understand.  We know there is a time to be born and a time to die, but we never want people who we love to leave us.  And if they do leave us, we don't want them to leave us too soon.  If they do, we want to know why?  When there are no answers as to why, we must remember that God's grace will help us to go on.

Amazing Grace--Grace that is Amazing

~Andrew's Mom

THE STATE OF MY PRAYER LIFE

       My prayer shawl got caught in my chair this morning.  It was all crumped in the corner and when I took it out, I ripped out a stitch.  Is this symbolic of my prayer life during the past week or so?
    Our church family gave me my prayer shawl the Sunday after Andrew's death.  It has kept me in its warmth since that day.  However, during the past week it started to slide down the back of my chair.  This morning I realized it wasn't where it should be and found it stuffed in the corner of the chair, with one little corner showing me where it was.  I tugged too hard and "rip" accompanied it to its freedom.
     I'm thinking that is kind of how my prayer life has been this past week.  Andrew is in my thoughts 24/7 these days.  I thought I saw him coming out of his room Thursday night.  I've seen him in my dreams the past two nights.  I feel his presence all the time.  Do you think he was trying to get my attention?  "Hey Mom, haven't been talking to God much lately, have you?" 
      It's true.  I've been trying to handle my sadness on my own lately.  Busyiness has replaced my prayer life.  The results--I'm not sleeping much and my mind is sad all the time, even when I pretend not to be.  But God and I know the state of my mind and the state of my prayer life.
     So, God, it's me.  I haven't called you lately and I know I needed to.   I need to stop trying to deal with my sadness and my loss on my own.  Dear God--please help me.  Thank you for all you have given me.  Help me focus on the positive memories of my son's life, not on how it ended.  Help me focus on the life I have left to live.  Help me.
Thank you.  In Christ's precious name...

~Andrew's Mom
     

LIVING IN THE END TIMES

So many of my FB friends have posted the following thought:

Sept 11th (NY) Jan 11th (Haiti) and March 11th (Japan)....     
Then Jesus said to his disciples : "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven. Jesus says, 'for behold I come quickly,'"  Luke 21:10-11[so... ask yourself, are we ready?]

The natural disasters of late have brought this thought to mind, but I want to remind everyone there is still another sign that we are living in the end times.

2 Timothy 3:1-5
1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

It's how we treat each other that also tells us we are living in the end times, not just the natural disasters.  Can you remember a time when people have been so disrespectful to each other?  Even our thoughts or personal beliefs are targeted, just because they may not match yours.  Many of the children I see in public treat their parents terribly.  They do act ungrateful.  Look through the traits listed throughout these verses.  This is how I know we really are living in the end times. 

I felt like my world ended on June 7th; however, I need to remind myself one more time that Andrew took his life, not mine.  Therefore, I will try to live a life that does not mirror the "terrible times in the last days."

~Andrew's Mom

CHOOSING TO SEE

Last night on Facebook, one of my Waitsburg kids (okay so she's in her thirties with a family, but she is still one of my kids) posted the World Book Day challenge.  
 

World Book Day -Game Rules: grab the book nearest to you and turn to page 56. Write down the 5th sentence. Don't choose your favorite book, choose the one nearest to you right now. Post the rules as your status and copy the sentence as your comment.


The book sitting nearest to me was on my pile of "grief" books.  It is a book my friend, Joan, gave me a month ago, yet it sat at the top of the pile until I reached for it to "play" this challenge.  I opened to page 56, counted down five sentences, and wrote, "He said, 'the word divorce is not in our vocabulary.'"  When I posted it I thought, "Now people will be thinking I am reading books on divorce."  No, I'm not.  Bill and I are firm in our commitment to our marriage.  It's the part of this book that talks about the divorce of one of the people in the book.  It is referring to Steven Curtis Chapman's parents.  You see, the book I picked up to participate in the World Book challenge is Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. 

       For those of you who may not know Steven Curtis Chapman, he is the singer/song writer of some of the most moving and beautiful songs from our generation.  Even though his music is classified as "Christian pop," his songs should be a part of everyone's music list.  God's love shines through his words and music.

      For those of you who may not know Steven Curtis Chapman, he  and his wife are survivors like me--parents who had to bury a child.  On May 21, 2008 their son, Will Franklin, ran over their five-year-old daughter, Maria, as he returned home from a school drama try-out.  She ran to him--he didn't see her.  I read about half of the book last night, but I cried so much my eye lids could no longer stay open.  They were exhausted.  They still feel heavy today. 

       The words that Mary Beth wrote brought it all back to me.  The disbelief.  The shock.  The planning.  The service.  The saying good-bye and the leaving of our child.  The support of a loving family, friends, and a community.  I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't see the words of the prologue, written by Beth Moore, because of the tears that were awash on my face.  When I got to chapter 29, "The New Normal," I couldn't go on.  Remember I wrote about my "new normal" as well.  The pain was so real again, I felt physically sick.  You can imagine how I feel today.  I literally want to go back to bed and not get out again--ever.

       When I finish the book, I will share some of it with you.  However, I want to share some of the words that begin each chapter.  Even though Mary Beth's words brought the sadness and the pain back to me anew, the words offered at the beginning of each chapter have brought some peace.  A reminder of God's grace.

Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude. ~ Simone Weil

A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence, trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse. ~Philip Yancey

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;  we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. ~ C.S. Lewis

Every act of evil extracts a tear from God, every plunge into anguish extracts a sob from God. ~ Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son

You cannot amputate your history from your destiny...My past is something Jesus takes hold of and makes it into a destiny.  That's called redemption. ~Beth Moore

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  ~Psalm 126:5

~Andrew's Mom

A LETTER TO ANDREW

Dear Andrew,
       I miss you.  Tomorrow it will be nine months since you left us.  Nine months--the same amount of time I carried you.  Nine months--the amount of time that Dad and I have tried to go on with a life without you.
     The past ten days or so have been okay--okay in the new normal of my life.  The W-P boys advanced to the State B basketball tournament, so time at school had been all about preparing to go to Spokane.  Dad and I went to the tournament for the first time in years.  You didn't really like us going when you were there with the guys, so we respected your wishes and stayed home.  This year we returned.  We watched seventeen games in three days.  Hendrix was with us too.  She did great.  Last night I realized how much she misses you too.  Hayden was sitting in front of us at the championship games and she started picking on him.  He was a great sport and "gave her the look" or poked her.  She giggled so hard, she almost cried.  I am thankful your friends are so kind to us and to her.  The guys had a great season, but I think they missed you.  At your vigil, Greg talked about how a part of the puzzle, a part of Bulldog Nation would now be missed.  I think that is what they feel.  That's how many of us feel.  We look for you and you're not there. 
       Saturday morning the sadness returned with a vengeance.  Rosalia was playing for a trophy and won pretty easily.  After their victory, all the boys went into the stands to find their parents.  As they were sharing those special times between son and parent, I realized I would never get to share that with you.  I felt your presence in the arena.  You spent four days there last year.  I was there, but you weren't.  The rest of the day was pretty dark.  So much happiness for so many, so much sadness for one.
        Many people think of you often.  The girls went to the Revolve Tour with Marne this weekend.  There was a presentation on suicide.  I'm sure that brought up many emotions for them.  Young Life brought  a movie, "To Save a Life," twice to the Liberty.  So many people want to help others know that life is worth living.  This is a message we all wish you would have listened to.
       Grandma found pictures from your birthday last year.  I have a hard time looking at them--not only because I miss you so much, but because you look so sad.  I've look through so many of the pictures of you from last year.  Your football picture was so beautiful--a huge smile and a twinkle in your eye.  So many of your pictures have that huge smile and that twinkle.  But the twinkle was missing last year in so many pictures and I should have known something was wrong.  But I just missed it.  I'm so sorry about that.  I'm so sorry about so much. 
         Once we returned from Spokane, Dad and I spent some time at your grave.  The squirrels destroyed the finch sock we put out and they undid the wire Dad had over the bird feeder.  The squirrels and Dad are at war--who will win?  We found a bulldog at the craft fair in Spokane, so you now have a bulldog watching over you.  Spring is coming.  Soon, it will be summer and a year will have passed--an entire year without you with us.  I know some want me just to get on with life and not talk or think about you--focus on something else. But I can't.  You are with me in all I do.  Everywhere I go, I think of a time you were there with me or I think about how you would like (or not) this place.
      I've had all of this on my mind since I woke up today.  I know it seems a little disjointed, but some days this is how my mind works. It makes it really hard to function at work.  On days like that, I don't function at home.  I know I will never stop missing you.  I also know that no matter how much time will pass or how our lives will be, I will always be proud for people to know that I am your mom.

~I am Andrew's Mom
      

TORN, BUT PROUD

      

About three weeks ago, I booked a hotel room for the State Basketball Tournament in Spokane.  When I did this, I did so because I am convinced that the W-P girls and boys teams will be playing in this year's tournament.  However, something wonderful has happened that has caused me to be torn between my two favorite teams.  The Dayton Bulldogs, a team that sat towards the bottom of the league for much of the season, will be playing the W-P Cardinals for the chance to go onto regionals.  One step closer to State for both teams--W-P & Dayton.       

       All of the Waitsburg boys of the W-P Cardinals are my boys.  I spend most of the morning with them five days a week, 180 school days.  Their head coach is one of my kids from 1999.   Therefore, I am their fan, supporter, and rooter. 
       However, the 2010-2011 Dayton Bulldogs and I share something very special.  They know what it is like to live a life without Andrew.  After the starters are announced, they break the huddle with "Groomer!"    They wear new uniforms purchased with money from Andrew's memorial fund.  On the side of their basketball shoes one can see ADG 40. They have embraced his spirit and during this week, I have felt his spirit with them when they take the floor.  My heart is with these boys.
       So after the game Friday, I will share the joy of victory for one team and I will share the agony of defeat for the other.  I hope the W-P fans will understand why I will sit and cheer with the Dayton fans.  I am confident that the Waitsburg part of the W-P boys know that I love and support them; however, in this instance I will be rooting loudest for the Bulldogs who have an angel named Andrew looking out for them.

~Andrew's Mom