THE STATE OF MY PRAYER LIFE

       My prayer shawl got caught in my chair this morning.  It was all crumped in the corner and when I took it out, I ripped out a stitch.  Is this symbolic of my prayer life during the past week or so?
    Our church family gave me my prayer shawl the Sunday after Andrew's death.  It has kept me in its warmth since that day.  However, during the past week it started to slide down the back of my chair.  This morning I realized it wasn't where it should be and found it stuffed in the corner of the chair, with one little corner showing me where it was.  I tugged too hard and "rip" accompanied it to its freedom.
     I'm thinking that is kind of how my prayer life has been this past week.  Andrew is in my thoughts 24/7 these days.  I thought I saw him coming out of his room Thursday night.  I've seen him in my dreams the past two nights.  I feel his presence all the time.  Do you think he was trying to get my attention?  "Hey Mom, haven't been talking to God much lately, have you?" 
      It's true.  I've been trying to handle my sadness on my own lately.  Busyiness has replaced my prayer life.  The results--I'm not sleeping much and my mind is sad all the time, even when I pretend not to be.  But God and I know the state of my mind and the state of my prayer life.
     So, God, it's me.  I haven't called you lately and I know I needed to.   I need to stop trying to deal with my sadness and my loss on my own.  Dear God--please help me.  Thank you for all you have given me.  Help me focus on the positive memories of my son's life, not on how it ended.  Help me focus on the life I have left to live.  Help me.
Thank you.  In Christ's precious name...

~Andrew's Mom
     

LIVING IN THE END TIMES

So many of my FB friends have posted the following thought:

Sept 11th (NY) Jan 11th (Haiti) and March 11th (Japan)....     
Then Jesus said to his disciples : "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven. Jesus says, 'for behold I come quickly,'"  Luke 21:10-11[so... ask yourself, are we ready?]

The natural disasters of late have brought this thought to mind, but I want to remind everyone there is still another sign that we are living in the end times.

2 Timothy 3:1-5
1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

It's how we treat each other that also tells us we are living in the end times, not just the natural disasters.  Can you remember a time when people have been so disrespectful to each other?  Even our thoughts or personal beliefs are targeted, just because they may not match yours.  Many of the children I see in public treat their parents terribly.  They do act ungrateful.  Look through the traits listed throughout these verses.  This is how I know we really are living in the end times. 

I felt like my world ended on June 7th; however, I need to remind myself one more time that Andrew took his life, not mine.  Therefore, I will try to live a life that does not mirror the "terrible times in the last days."

~Andrew's Mom

CHOOSING TO SEE

Last night on Facebook, one of my Waitsburg kids (okay so she's in her thirties with a family, but she is still one of my kids) posted the World Book Day challenge.  
 

World Book Day -Game Rules: grab the book nearest to you and turn to page 56. Write down the 5th sentence. Don't choose your favorite book, choose the one nearest to you right now. Post the rules as your status and copy the sentence as your comment.


The book sitting nearest to me was on my pile of "grief" books.  It is a book my friend, Joan, gave me a month ago, yet it sat at the top of the pile until I reached for it to "play" this challenge.  I opened to page 56, counted down five sentences, and wrote, "He said, 'the word divorce is not in our vocabulary.'"  When I posted it I thought, "Now people will be thinking I am reading books on divorce."  No, I'm not.  Bill and I are firm in our commitment to our marriage.  It's the part of this book that talks about the divorce of one of the people in the book.  It is referring to Steven Curtis Chapman's parents.  You see, the book I picked up to participate in the World Book challenge is Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. 

       For those of you who may not know Steven Curtis Chapman, he is the singer/song writer of some of the most moving and beautiful songs from our generation.  Even though his music is classified as "Christian pop," his songs should be a part of everyone's music list.  God's love shines through his words and music.

      For those of you who may not know Steven Curtis Chapman, he  and his wife are survivors like me--parents who had to bury a child.  On May 21, 2008 their son, Will Franklin, ran over their five-year-old daughter, Maria, as he returned home from a school drama try-out.  She ran to him--he didn't see her.  I read about half of the book last night, but I cried so much my eye lids could no longer stay open.  They were exhausted.  They still feel heavy today. 

       The words that Mary Beth wrote brought it all back to me.  The disbelief.  The shock.  The planning.  The service.  The saying good-bye and the leaving of our child.  The support of a loving family, friends, and a community.  I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't see the words of the prologue, written by Beth Moore, because of the tears that were awash on my face.  When I got to chapter 29, "The New Normal," I couldn't go on.  Remember I wrote about my "new normal" as well.  The pain was so real again, I felt physically sick.  You can imagine how I feel today.  I literally want to go back to bed and not get out again--ever.

       When I finish the book, I will share some of it with you.  However, I want to share some of the words that begin each chapter.  Even though Mary Beth's words brought the sadness and the pain back to me anew, the words offered at the beginning of each chapter have brought some peace.  A reminder of God's grace.

Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude. ~ Simone Weil

A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence, trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse. ~Philip Yancey

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;  we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. ~ C.S. Lewis

Every act of evil extracts a tear from God, every plunge into anguish extracts a sob from God. ~ Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son

You cannot amputate your history from your destiny...My past is something Jesus takes hold of and makes it into a destiny.  That's called redemption. ~Beth Moore

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  ~Psalm 126:5

~Andrew's Mom

A LETTER TO ANDREW

Dear Andrew,
       I miss you.  Tomorrow it will be nine months since you left us.  Nine months--the same amount of time I carried you.  Nine months--the amount of time that Dad and I have tried to go on with a life without you.
     The past ten days or so have been okay--okay in the new normal of my life.  The W-P boys advanced to the State B basketball tournament, so time at school had been all about preparing to go to Spokane.  Dad and I went to the tournament for the first time in years.  You didn't really like us going when you were there with the guys, so we respected your wishes and stayed home.  This year we returned.  We watched seventeen games in three days.  Hendrix was with us too.  She did great.  Last night I realized how much she misses you too.  Hayden was sitting in front of us at the championship games and she started picking on him.  He was a great sport and "gave her the look" or poked her.  She giggled so hard, she almost cried.  I am thankful your friends are so kind to us and to her.  The guys had a great season, but I think they missed you.  At your vigil, Greg talked about how a part of the puzzle, a part of Bulldog Nation would now be missed.  I think that is what they feel.  That's how many of us feel.  We look for you and you're not there. 
       Saturday morning the sadness returned with a vengeance.  Rosalia was playing for a trophy and won pretty easily.  After their victory, all the boys went into the stands to find their parents.  As they were sharing those special times between son and parent, I realized I would never get to share that with you.  I felt your presence in the arena.  You spent four days there last year.  I was there, but you weren't.  The rest of the day was pretty dark.  So much happiness for so many, so much sadness for one.
        Many people think of you often.  The girls went to the Revolve Tour with Marne this weekend.  There was a presentation on suicide.  I'm sure that brought up many emotions for them.  Young Life brought  a movie, "To Save a Life," twice to the Liberty.  So many people want to help others know that life is worth living.  This is a message we all wish you would have listened to.
       Grandma found pictures from your birthday last year.  I have a hard time looking at them--not only because I miss you so much, but because you look so sad.  I've look through so many of the pictures of you from last year.  Your football picture was so beautiful--a huge smile and a twinkle in your eye.  So many of your pictures have that huge smile and that twinkle.  But the twinkle was missing last year in so many pictures and I should have known something was wrong.  But I just missed it.  I'm so sorry about that.  I'm so sorry about so much. 
         Once we returned from Spokane, Dad and I spent some time at your grave.  The squirrels destroyed the finch sock we put out and they undid the wire Dad had over the bird feeder.  The squirrels and Dad are at war--who will win?  We found a bulldog at the craft fair in Spokane, so you now have a bulldog watching over you.  Spring is coming.  Soon, it will be summer and a year will have passed--an entire year without you with us.  I know some want me just to get on with life and not talk or think about you--focus on something else. But I can't.  You are with me in all I do.  Everywhere I go, I think of a time you were there with me or I think about how you would like (or not) this place.
      I've had all of this on my mind since I woke up today.  I know it seems a little disjointed, but some days this is how my mind works. It makes it really hard to function at work.  On days like that, I don't function at home.  I know I will never stop missing you.  I also know that no matter how much time will pass or how our lives will be, I will always be proud for people to know that I am your mom.

~I am Andrew's Mom
      

TORN, BUT PROUD

      

About three weeks ago, I booked a hotel room for the State Basketball Tournament in Spokane.  When I did this, I did so because I am convinced that the W-P girls and boys teams will be playing in this year's tournament.  However, something wonderful has happened that has caused me to be torn between my two favorite teams.  The Dayton Bulldogs, a team that sat towards the bottom of the league for much of the season, will be playing the W-P Cardinals for the chance to go onto regionals.  One step closer to State for both teams--W-P & Dayton.       

       All of the Waitsburg boys of the W-P Cardinals are my boys.  I spend most of the morning with them five days a week, 180 school days.  Their head coach is one of my kids from 1999.   Therefore, I am their fan, supporter, and rooter. 
       However, the 2010-2011 Dayton Bulldogs and I share something very special.  They know what it is like to live a life without Andrew.  After the starters are announced, they break the huddle with "Groomer!"    They wear new uniforms purchased with money from Andrew's memorial fund.  On the side of their basketball shoes one can see ADG 40. They have embraced his spirit and during this week, I have felt his spirit with them when they take the floor.  My heart is with these boys.
       So after the game Friday, I will share the joy of victory for one team and I will share the agony of defeat for the other.  I hope the W-P fans will understand why I will sit and cheer with the Dayton fans.  I am confident that the Waitsburg part of the W-P boys know that I love and support them; however, in this instance I will be rooting loudest for the Bulldogs who have an angel named Andrew looking out for them.

~Andrew's Mom

L*O*V*E

       This has been a difficult week--a week I did not love.  However, with Valentine's Day right around the corner, I have decided that I would change my mindset and take stock of the things I do love.  Here's my list.

• I love my husband.  He truly loves me unconditionally.  It doesn't matter that my hair is gray or that I weigh a lot more than I did when we married almost eighteen years ago.  He shows me daily that he loves me no matter what.  How lucky am I?
• I love my immediate family.  I am fortunate to have three step-children who don't see me as the wicked stepmother, at least not at this point in our life.  They see me, not as another mother, but as a part of a familial unit that Bill and I have created.  One of Billy's high school teachers once shared that when he talked about Bill and me, he referred to us as his folks.  That is what we are--their folks.  And as we have added to our familial unit, we continue to feel blessed by our family.
• I love my extended family.  I have a large family, especially when you add together our parents, our siblings, their spouses, their kids, and now their grandkids.  Then add to that our aunts, uncles, and cousins who love and support us.  We are loved.
• I love my job.  Even when I think I can't stand to grade another quiz or paper, I know that I have a profession that I didn't really choose, it chose me. 
• I love my students, past and present.  In my classroom I have pictures of my former students--frozen forever in time as they were as seniors in high school.  They look down on me as I teach the next group of seniors.  Their presence reminds me of the duty I have to prepare this current group for the next phase of their lives.
• I love my colleagues, past and present.  I have been very fortunate to work with dedicated teachers--at Prescott, at Washington State University, and at Waitsburg.  They all have helped me to become a better teacher and a better person.
• I love all the adventures I've been on.  I've traveled near and far--Seattle to Boston--Lincoln City to Cape Cod--London to Rome.  But really, we do live in God's country.  There is no better place than the Touchet Valley in the state of Washington. 
• I love all the people who had a hand in creating the loving young man named Andrew Groom.  From Sunday school teachers to all of his coaches.  From school teachers to counselors at church camp, Wyldlife, to basketball camp. Friends, friends' parents, neighbors, community members.  There were so many who loved him and helped him become the young man he was.  I love you all.

But above all, I love my God.  I have a loving God who loves me and supports me even more that all the people who are in my life today or have been in my life in my past.  I have a God who loves me so much he allowed his one and only son to take the form of a human and live the life of a man.  He allowed his son to find success and to experience defeat.  He allowed his son to be revered and to be reviled by man.  He did all of that for me.

Because I had a son I understand the sacrifice this was for my God.  Because I love my son, I understand just what that type of love is.  And he did it for you and he did it for me.  Some of you who read this may not understand how I can really believe this.  But I do.  That is what faith is about.  How could we have a life with so much in it if that is all there is?

  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Now that's love.  Happy Valentine's Day

~Andrew's Mom

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW

 This week will be very difficult for our family.  On Wednesday, February 9th, Andrew would've turned 17.  For me, I'm re-living my life seventeen years ago, because the days of the week are exactly the same.  Seventeen years ago this week my life changed forever.  Let's go back to 1994.  It was a winter much like this winter.  Cold and gray, but not much snow.  I had had a difficult pregnancy--morning sickness for nine months is not fun--so I was really happy that the end was near.  My final doctor's appointment was on Monday, February 7th.  Bill hadn't gone to any of the appointments with me, so I talked him into going with me.   My blood pressure was at a dangerous level, so Dr. Betz told me I'd be going into the hospital first thing in the morning and we'd be deliverying a baby.  So Bill and I went home to prepare for Andrew's arrival.  It's really a bit weird knowing you're going into the hospital the next morning, because there isn't any of the waiting for labor to begin.  Bill, Billy, and I watched Bill Cosby's Himself that evening.  We all got a big laugh out of the story of Cosby describing the doctor as a baseball catcher, sitting there, waiting for the baby to drop into his glove.  As we went to bed that night, we thought that at this time tomorrow we'd have another member of the family.  Long story short--Andrew didn't come on February 8th.  He came at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, February 9th.  Billy snuck into the room and he was the first family member to hold him.  Our family was now complete.

Over the years we've had different birthday parties for Andrew.  For his first birthday we had a huge family party at Mother and Dad's.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, brothers and sister. It was a big fun day. 

On Andrew's second birthday, the Touchet River and the Patit Creek starting to recede from the Big Flood of 1996.  Notice the very high Patit Creek behind Andrew.

One of his birthdays was held at the cabin.  Four school birthday parties were held at the Liberty Theater, beginning in the third grade--the year Andrew began attending Dayton Elementary.  Super Bowl XL was another birthday party.  Last year we celebrated his birthday at Fiesta en Jalisco. 

Birthday party at Judy's Daycare

McDonald's Birthday Party

Already I miss giving Andrew a birthday party.  Today would've been the day for the big family birthday party.  Instead, Bill and I shared Super Bowl Sunday with friends and Andrew shared this day with Jim Helm, cheering on the Packers from Heaven.              

So many things I know I'll miss.  Next year will be hard when the football and basketball teams celebrate Senior Night.  Graduation will be hard.  I can't believe I will never get to go to his wedding.  I will never hold a child of my child's.  Hard to believe the things I dreamed about seventeen years ago this night will never come to be.  

So Happy Birthday Bubby.  Dad and I love you and miss you so much.  Thank you for the gift you were to us, our most precious treasure of all.

~Andrew's Mom