IN SERVICE OF ANDREW

       There are many signs that the experts say one can see in a child who is suicidal.  Giving things away.  No plans.  Final preparations.  Notes.  Threats.  I can say I truly saw none of this in Andrew.  He was sad, but he had a lot of plans for the summer and for his junior year.  He was excited about football--he would get to play a new position.  He was looking forward to summer basketball camps.  We had even talked about his Senior Project.  He wanted to spruce up the football bleachers.  We had even talked with the superintendent about working on the bleachers.  It would be a big project, so we felt we needed a year to get everything and everyone ready for this big project.
       Spring ahead a year.  Our family is still dealing with the shock that our youngest took his life.  We try not to focus on the "what ifs."  That would drive us all crazy, because we all think about what we could have done to prevent this.  But this is our new reality and so we deal with our grief daily.  One way Bill and I have dealt with the loneliness we feel in our lives is to do projects.  We have done a lot of projects around our home this past year...it is better to be busy than to deal with the quiet in our home.  The main thing that Bill and I wanted to complete this summer was to fulfill Andrew's Senior Project.  It was very logical for us to do something at the football field, because we knew how much he loved being on any football field.  For us, Bulldog Stadium was the place where the community shared with us in our grief in those early days.  However, the original plan didn't work out, so we went to Plan B--give the boys' locker room a face lift and paint the back of the bleachers at the field. 
      So on the weekend of Bud and Marilyn's 50th anniversary Amanda, Clint, Ashley, Aunt Vicki, Bill, and I worked on making the locker room full of Bulldog pride.  It was a great way for our family to do something in honor of Andrew for his friends.  We taught Andrew, just as we had been taught by our parents, that service to others is important.  So in service of Andrew we gave two places where he was happiest--the gym and the football field--a new look.  In service of Andrew we gave back to our community as a thanks for the love and support they have given us during this past year.

 

When the boys go to get their gear for the first practice of the year they will see a "new" look in the locker room.  There's something for the girls too.  When they go to practice at the field, they will see a little more crimson and gold.  It is a time they will remember their friend Groomer and one way for him to be with them during this last year of high school. 
       One night, when we were painting the back of the bleachers, a friend was at the field watching the soccer camp.  He made a comment that sums up why we wanted to do this project... our kids deserve this.  That is why Andrew wanted to make the bleachers look better.  He was proud to be a Bulldog and he wanted to have the place he loved so much mirror his pride.  So in service of Andrew...we begin the journey of a senior year without him.

REMNANTS OF MY SUMMER

       It's less than a month away before school begins.  I'm proctoring HSPE (high school proficiency exams) retakes this week, so I am officially beginning to get ready for school.  The remnants of last school year sit in boxes, ready to be examined one more time before I put them in their place for the year.
      At home, one can see remnants of visitors from a long, wonderful weekend.  Yesterday, I put lawn chairs away from our Friday night party.  There are leftover cookies from Bud and Marilyn's 50th Anniversary party on the counter.  Today, perhaps, I will put away all of the toys that found their way out of storage totes.  I love having toys around the house...it doesn't seem so kidless when there are toys in the backroom.
       However, there are things in one bedroom in my home that I just can't seem to put in their rightful places.  If I hang Andrew's t-shirt quilt over his bed or put his golf ball collection or his shadow box of special memories from his bulletin board in the places I have reserved for them, perhaps things will become too real for me to handle.  I think I survive everyday, because in the back of my mind I keep a small hope that all of this is just a dream and I will wake up and need to buy him school supplies and clothes for his senior year of high school.
       These last pieces of Andrew that haven't found a permanent home yet are just one more step I need to take in the healing process.  This has been a summer of healing.  Bill and I have done a lot of projects since June--some that needed to be finished, some just to keep us busy.  Football will begin in two weeks.  It should be a joyous time in our home.  Instead, it is kind of sad.  Another activity where we had planned to be in the middle of; however, our Bulldog is just a memory so we stand on the outside looking in.  The first of many hard things for us to experience this year. 
       As I type this I see small remnants of crimson paint that stain my fingers...remnants of a project the kids, Bill, and I finished over the weekend.  It is appropriate that I have that stain, because it is a lot like the stain of sadness that has colored my world during this past year.  This stain, much like my sadness, will fade as this new school year begins.  It has been a summer of healing, of taking remnants from a past full of love and hope, and creating a life without Andrew in the middle of it. 

ALONE WITH MY MEMORIES

       I just put a load of laundry into the dryer and I noticed the four pencil stubs and the last coins I ever retrieved from Andrew's jeans. They adorn the top of our dryer and I keep them there because...I'm not sure why.  I guess that is where I put them originally and I guess that is where they will stay.
       Since Andrew was in the third grade, he had this habit of using his pencils down to a small, little stub.  This drove me nuts!  There are literally fifty or more pencils in our house, but he always seemed to have nothing in his backpack or in his pocket that resembled a full, complete writing utensil known as a pencil.  There is also one that I took out of his shorts after his last golf outting the day before he died.  Everytime I do laundry, these little momentos bring a smile to my heart or a tear to my eye...never know which emotion.
       In a way this summer is much more difficult than last summer.  I honestly think I must of been in shock all of last year.  This year is full of learning to deal with my reality of a very quiet house with the empty bedroom of my son.  My days are filled with little things--laundry, cleaning, reading, watching movies, fixing dinner for Bill, etc.  I like it this way.  This way I don't have to think much.  When Bill gets home we usually spend the evening together, that is unless he has a little project he is working on.  I am beginning to think he doesn't like sitting still, because he notices the quiet too.
       Please don't start planning things for me to do.  I can't do them. I won't do them. I don't seem to have the desire to be too social.  I don't have the need to travel or go shopping.  I do enough, just enough to keep most people from trying to find things for me to do.      
       July has always been my time of rejuvenation (translation...doing nothing to do with school).  It's just that I always had another person in the house during the day to keep me company.  When Andrew was little we did a lot of things together during the summer.  Where I went, he went.  Where he went, I usually took him.  We did Summer Rec. together.  When he learned to golf, I was his caddy.  We went to the movies.  I took him to camp and then picked him up.  Now, I spend my days alone.
       Again, I repeat, I am not looking for things to do.  However, seeing those stubby little pencils just brought me back to another time in my life--a time when I had more than enough to do.  One thing that I have been doing is reading and during that quiet time, I swear I hear someone at the back door.  Not actually at the door, but on the landing of the stairs to the basement.  When someone stands there, a distinctive noise is made.  I swear I hear it often during the day, yet when I check no one is there.  In my heart I want it to be Andrew...making the decision to go out the door and then return at the end of the school day or after practice or after anything.  I just want him to return.  However, in my brain I know he isn't coming home.
       So I am learning to live in my new reality with my memories. I am also working on making new memories. Hendrix comes Tuesday for a day with grandma.  We go to lunch.  We work on her school stuff. We go to the Children's Series movie at the Liberty Theater.  On other days I have coffee with friends.  Bill and I do things on the weekends.  We go to breakfast.  We take a drive. We work on yet another project.  We go to the cemetary and water flowers.  However, I am also learning to live in a quiet house, where I am blessed to have made many memories and where new ones are constantly being made and will continue to be made.

COUSINS

       As my summer vacation begins, I am trying to use my time well.  My first task today was transferring pictures from one computer to another.  Talk about memories rushing back to me.  Each day last week I posted something for which I am thankful in Andrew's life.  This post of my blog will mirror that.  Today I am thankful that Andrew had such great cousins.
      Andrew has a lot of cousins.  Their ages range from 40 to 14.  With that age range, one can imagine that he was closer to some more than others.  Markus, Colleen, and McKenzie are the three who shared most major events with Andrew. 

Markus and Andrew got to play football together the year Andrew was in third grade. 

They played against each other when Andrew was a freshman and Markus was a senior.

. 
Colleen and Andrew shared most everything together--Andrew was from February 9 to May 7 older than Colleen, so they were in the same swimming lessons, went to the same daycare for a while, same Sunday School class, same school class from third grade on

However, it is Andrew and McKenzie who share many similarities.

       Christine and I are constantly amazed at how alike these two cousins are.  They both are a bit unorganized (translate--very messy rooms, though I think McKenzie tries to keep hers clean--Andrew gave up...he just waited for me to clean it for him).  They both have the same attitude towards school.  They are both very competitive on the athletic field.  Watching McKenzie play basketball is a bit bittersweet for me.  She has the same intensity on defense as Andrew.  They spend a bit of every game on the floor.  They both got their concussions in basketball.
       I found a picture of the two of them today.  As I study the picture, I noticed that their hair is the exact same color.  They both have the same smile.  They both have the same twinkle in their eyes.  They are the boy/girl version of the same Delp grandchild. 
       As McKenzie grows up, I wish for her some of the same qualities that Andrew had.  I hope she is kind to all she meets.  I hope she finds and cultivates a personal relationship with Jesus.  I hope she sees value in education.  I hope she is a great teammate to all.  I hope she knows how much she is loved, no matter how tough life is.
       Andrew forgot for a moment how much people loved him.  I will make sure McKenzie never questions that. 
~Andrew's Mom



TENDING ANDREW'S FLOWERS

I'm going to preface this blog by saying I will probably make some people angry at me for what I am about to write.  However, this is my blog and these thoughts have been in my thoughts since last week, so I need to get them out.
       Last week was very difficult for me.  It was the end of the school year, so that made it crazy busy.  I thought I would have time to get my room in order and check out on time.  That didn't happen.  I found lots to keep me busy and even after 10 AM last Friday, I still had kids in my room.  The kids in my room talked as if they have no clue that I was sitting right there.  I heard things I really wished I hadn't heard, but I did hear them.  And the things I heard made me sad, because kids that I love are making terrible personal decisions.  It was also the week of the first anniversary of the day that changed my life forever, just because of a personal decision that can't be reversed.
       Now back to the title of this entry.  On Sunday, June 5, Bill and I went up to Andrew's grave and tended to the hanging baskets that are there.  We watered them and turned them, allowing them to recover from the wind that had been blowing them since their last turning.  So on Tuesday, June 7, when I went to visit again, I was shocked to see how bad the flowers looked.  The constant blowing of the wind on that hill overlooking Dayton had really taken its toll on those poor flower pots.  I thought maybe they were done for the season.  So Kristin helped me load them into the car and I took them home to see if I could revive them.  I placed them on the patio, out of the wind, and started their recuperation.  It was amazing how quickly they snapped out of that dried up, destroyed flower look.  This afternoon when I checked on them I figured it was time to take them back to Andrew and try this again. 
       As I drove to the cemetery this afternoon, all of those overheard conversations came back to my mind.  I thought to myself, "What are they thinking?"  That is the same question I asked last June..."What was he thinking?"  Just like Andrew, have they forgotten all those goals they made so many years before?  Have they forgotten the plans they have made?  Have they forgotten that the rest of their lives is about to begin anew?  Don't they know how these decisions can change their lives...maybe forever?
       Kids, think twice before you do something that can affect your life in a way you are not prepared to handle.  You have made commitments to adults who have helped you get to this point in your life.  You have made commitments to friends and teammates who are working hard towards your shared goal.  You have signed athletic contracts.  You have created and agreed to covenants that you have shared with the community.  You have or you will ask people to support you financially as you go to college.  There are a lot of things that are fun and legal for your age that will not jeopardize your future plans--both plans for this next year and plans for the rest of your life.
        Parents, you must parent your kids.  All I get to do is tend the flowers on my son's grave.  You have an opportunity to remind the kids of the goals they have for their future--both near and far.  Say no.  Don't give them access to places that are unsupervised.  Don't give them access to things that may be legal for you, but are illegal for teenagers.  None of our kids are perfect.  Mine wasn't and now the decision that he made June 7, 2010 has changed everything.  The decisions that the kids are making now can do the same thing.  I know that we can't stop them from making and doing things that are wrong for them, but we can make it more difficult for them.  As they leave, remind them to be safe.  Remind them to make good decisions.  Remind them that they have a lot of people who love them and who are watching what they do...whether they know it or not.
       Kids are like those flower pots.  For me, those flower pots are my responsibility to tend to.  I must water them.  I must feed them.  I must take away the dead, so new can grow.  I must try to protect them from the winds of our area.  As a parent, you must do the same.  Water your children with love.  Feed them with knowledge--both new and from your experiences.  You must help them grow, sometimes by cutting away the parts of their life that is stopping them from blooming.  You must do everything in your power to protect them from the cruel winds of our society.  Remind them everyday that you love them. 
~Andrew's Mom

     

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

In the very near future, Bill and I are going to be grandparents again.  I've been thinking about this image all day--just think--our newest grandchild is hanging out with Andrew in heaven, waiting for the time for him or her to come join our family. 
       I'm sad that this newest member of our family will not have the chance to know him as Hendrix did, here on earth, but I truly believe Andrew is spending time with his niece or nephew right now--before we get to.  And on the day God tells him, Andrew will bring our newest Groom to earth on the wings of angels. 
       In 2010 we lost our sweet Andrew.  In 2011 we will welcome a new, sweet little Groom child.  The circle of life.

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAID

A few weeks ago, I was pondering what I would say to the Class of 2011 at their Baccalaureate Service.  And this is what I said...

Thank you for allowing me to speak to you tonight.  This is a privilege because I get to share something personal to me and that is my faith.  Whenever one writes, what is the magic number of things one should write about—that’s right—three.  So tonight I have three G things that I want to speak to you about.  They are guilt, grace, and God.

Guilt is a major part of my life.  I feel guilt about what I eat or what I don’t eat.  I feel guilt that I don’t exercise enough.  I feel guilt that I don’t use the time in my life as well as I might.  I feel guilt because I don’t spend enough time with my parents.  I feel guilt…And because I feel guilt, Satan uses that against me all the time.  He is so good about putting the “What ifs” into my brain.  He did that very well the days following June 7th.  After Andrew’s death I felt guilty about how tough I was on him.  I knew he had a gentle heart and soul, but yet I still pushed, pushed, pushed.  I felt guilty that I hadn’t realized just how sad he really was.  I’ve been around kids a lot in my life.  One would think I would be able to know the depth of my own son’s sadness.  I felt guilty because on the day my son died, I was spending time with you—celebrating the next step of your life—helping you decide things about your graduation. However, I want you to know that Satan was just using all those “what ifs” to weaken my faith, to weaken my resolve to live a life in Christ.  Just as he used Andrew’s sadness and confusion about his life to create one fragile moment for him, he tried to put all of those aspects of my guilt into my head and to take me away from God.  But you know what?  All of those things of which I felt so keenly did not weaken my faith.  They did not take me away from my relationship with God.  And you know why?  It’s because of God’s grace.

Grace is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b: a virtue coming from God c: a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace.  It is the gift of God’s grace that allows me to continue living a life without Andrew.  Andrew took his life, he did not take mine.  And even with all of the stuff Satan keeps putting in my brain via my guilt, I find unmerited divine assistance given to me for my regeneration and my sanctification.  Regeneration is a spiritual renewal or revival.    Sanctification is a blessing.  One may ask, “How can the death of your son be a spiritual renewal or revival of your life, of your faith in God?  How can the death of your son be a blessing?”  I don’t know how it has happened, but it has happened.  My spiritual life is stronger, it is purer.  Blessings have happened in our family because of Andrew’s death.  And all of this is because of God’s grace.  It is a gift I have not earned, yet it has been given to me.

So this brings me to my third and final G—God.  No matter what manner you may choose to worship, there is God in the middle of it.  For some, their god may have a lower case g, but my God has a capital letter G.  He is the center of my life. 


Do you believe in God?  I do.  How can we live in this area of the world and not know that God exists?  How can we look at you and not know God exists?  Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” And Matthew 25:20 says, “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

During the year prior to Andrew’s death I questioned organized religion. I saw so many people claiming to be Christians who were very un-Christ like. They were full of pride and self, rather than God. But I must remember that God is not religion--God is God. He is powerful.

He is:
• the light of the world.
• compassionate.
• the Lord who heals you.
• will strengthen you.
• the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.
• is merciful
• the Lord, the God of all mankind.

So guilt, grace, and God.  These are the three gs that are a part of who I am as a person, who I am as a Christian.  Tonight I leave you with this profession of my faith.

I am a Christian.  I was created for the glory of God.  My life was paid with the blood of Christ on a cross created for a criminal.  I am the daughter of a King.  I am a Christian.

I am a Christian.  I stand on the shoulders of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John: of Deborah, Ruth, and the Marys.  I have known success in my faith and I have known doubt.  I have known unbelievable joy and I have known unbearable sorrow.  I have been tested by the Tempter and I tell you that he has been vanquished --I am a Christian.

I am a Christian.  Tonight I share with you the Good News of Jesus Christ.  I tell you he was born of a virgin, lived on this earth as a man; he was crucified as a criminal, was buried and on the third day rose from the dead. He ascended to Heaven where He stands beside my son and where they await my arrival someday.   I tell you there is a God and He loves you and He loves me.  I tell you God’s grace is available to all.  Grace is a gift…the most precious gift you will ever be given.  I am a Christian.

Know tonight, as we leave this building, there is hope for all who seek Him.  "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”  ~Matthew 7:7

I love you all.  Blessings~

I am honored that the kids allowed me to speak to them.  It is the first time I have spoken about Andrew's death to anyone except family and close friends.  It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I got the chance to share this.  It was a special service for a special group of kids.

As June 7th comes around for the first anniversary of Andrew's death, please pray for Bill and me, for all of our family.  It is hard to live a life without Andrew in it.  I miss him so much that some days I really don't want to get out of bed.  But I do and I make it through the day.  It's just that the days aren't as bright as they used to be. 

Congratulations Class of 2011.  I'm going to miss you.

~Andrew's Mom