THE CLASS OF 2012

     Bill and I have recently completed one very difficult week.  First we celebrated with the Dayton High School Class of 2012 as they graduated on Saturday, June 2.  Then we attended the baccalaureate service for the Waitsburg Class of 2012 on Thursday, June 7--the second anniversary of Andrew's death.  Then Friday, June 8th we said good-bye to the WHS Class of 2012.  We did all of that without our Andrew.
     Andrew began his education in Waitsburg with Zach, Chris, Jeff, Ronnie, Justin, Jessica, and Kayla.  He stayed with these kids until the end of second grade.

     Then I took a year off and Andrew began third grade at Dayton Elementary School.  It was a tough year--so many groups are already formed by this grade--but Andrew continued on with these kids until the day he died.
     So this past seven days we celebrated the lives of young men and women who were an important part of our son's lives.  They will go on to study important things, marry their best friends, become parents of wonderful little people.  And our son will be forever sixteen years old.
     The important milestones that have a specific date have all been survived--First day of Senior Year...Senior Night....Graduation.  Now is really the hardest part.  We will never see our son graduate from college or separate from the military.  We will never dance at his wedding or hold the son or daughter of our son.  (Big sigh).
     However, we will continue to celebrate the lives of those who were an important part of his.  We will see college gradutions.  We will attend weddings.  We will give gifts to the sons and daughters of Andrew's friends.
     We will never get over Andrew's death.  However, we do get through the little events in life that make up our lives.  So congratulations to the Class of 2012.  To those who passed through his life--Cheyenne, Tanner, Lindsay, Jacob--and to those who were a part of his life at the end---Colleen, Jacob, Garett, Colton, Hayden, Carter, Joey, Kroft, Alex, Abby, Molly, Anita, April, Caitlyn, Chase, Paisley, Brandon, Justin, Adam, Blake, Nicole, Keisha, Gabe, Leighla, Ashley, Derek, Austin, Timmy, Danica, Shelby, Samura, and Darci.

     It's been a joy watching you grow into young men and young women.  We are excited to see all the places you go.

~Andrew's Mom and Dad

THERE ARE NO WORDS

      I realized the other day that I hadn't posted anything since August.  Pondering why, I realized the answer is pretty simple--the words haven't come to me.  Why?  During this second year without Andrew, my sorrow--I realize--cannot be put into words.  How can one describe the feeling of loss I experience on a daily basis?  There are no words...

There are no words...

• to explain the constant sadness that greets me every morning when I see "Andrew's Room...Do Not Enter"  on his door;
• to describe the guilt (I know I'm not suppose to, but I still do) I feel about my role in all of this;
• to communicate the bittersweet feelings of pride I feel when I see his friends having success during their last year of high school;
• to share after I visited his grave.

There are no words...

There are no words...

• to say thank you to friends and family who have been so supportive;
• to express our gratitude for everyone's love and prayers;
• to explain how much the giving in Andrew's name means to our family;
• to give when one tells me how much they miss Andrew too.

However, there are words...

• Thank you for loving our son as much as we love him;
• Blessings to all who lift us up in supportive thoughts and prayers;
• Thank you...

~Andrew's Mom

IN SERVICE OF ANDREW

       There are many signs that the experts say one can see in a child who is suicidal.  Giving things away.  No plans.  Final preparations.  Notes.  Threats.  I can say I truly saw none of this in Andrew.  He was sad, but he had a lot of plans for the summer and for his junior year.  He was excited about football--he would get to play a new position.  He was looking forward to summer basketball camps.  We had even talked about his Senior Project.  He wanted to spruce up the football bleachers.  We had even talked with the superintendent about working on the bleachers.  It would be a big project, so we felt we needed a year to get everything and everyone ready for this big project.
       Spring ahead a year.  Our family is still dealing with the shock that our youngest took his life.  We try not to focus on the "what ifs."  That would drive us all crazy, because we all think about what we could have done to prevent this.  But this is our new reality and so we deal with our grief daily.  One way Bill and I have dealt with the loneliness we feel in our lives is to do projects.  We have done a lot of projects around our home this past year...it is better to be busy than to deal with the quiet in our home.  The main thing that Bill and I wanted to complete this summer was to fulfill Andrew's Senior Project.  It was very logical for us to do something at the football field, because we knew how much he loved being on any football field.  For us, Bulldog Stadium was the place where the community shared with us in our grief in those early days.  However, the original plan didn't work out, so we went to Plan B--give the boys' locker room a face lift and paint the back of the bleachers at the field. 
      So on the weekend of Bud and Marilyn's 50th anniversary Amanda, Clint, Ashley, Aunt Vicki, Bill, and I worked on making the locker room full of Bulldog pride.  It was a great way for our family to do something in honor of Andrew for his friends.  We taught Andrew, just as we had been taught by our parents, that service to others is important.  So in service of Andrew we gave two places where he was happiest--the gym and the football field--a new look.  In service of Andrew we gave back to our community as a thanks for the love and support they have given us during this past year.

 

When the boys go to get their gear for the first practice of the year they will see a "new" look in the locker room.  There's something for the girls too.  When they go to practice at the field, they will see a little more crimson and gold.  It is a time they will remember their friend Groomer and one way for him to be with them during this last year of high school. 
       One night, when we were painting the back of the bleachers, a friend was at the field watching the soccer camp.  He made a comment that sums up why we wanted to do this project... our kids deserve this.  That is why Andrew wanted to make the bleachers look better.  He was proud to be a Bulldog and he wanted to have the place he loved so much mirror his pride.  So in service of Andrew...we begin the journey of a senior year without him.

REMNANTS OF MY SUMMER

       It's less than a month away before school begins.  I'm proctoring HSPE (high school proficiency exams) retakes this week, so I am officially beginning to get ready for school.  The remnants of last school year sit in boxes, ready to be examined one more time before I put them in their place for the year.
      At home, one can see remnants of visitors from a long, wonderful weekend.  Yesterday, I put lawn chairs away from our Friday night party.  There are leftover cookies from Bud and Marilyn's 50th Anniversary party on the counter.  Today, perhaps, I will put away all of the toys that found their way out of storage totes.  I love having toys around the house...it doesn't seem so kidless when there are toys in the backroom.
       However, there are things in one bedroom in my home that I just can't seem to put in their rightful places.  If I hang Andrew's t-shirt quilt over his bed or put his golf ball collection or his shadow box of special memories from his bulletin board in the places I have reserved for them, perhaps things will become too real for me to handle.  I think I survive everyday, because in the back of my mind I keep a small hope that all of this is just a dream and I will wake up and need to buy him school supplies and clothes for his senior year of high school.
       These last pieces of Andrew that haven't found a permanent home yet are just one more step I need to take in the healing process.  This has been a summer of healing.  Bill and I have done a lot of projects since June--some that needed to be finished, some just to keep us busy.  Football will begin in two weeks.  It should be a joyous time in our home.  Instead, it is kind of sad.  Another activity where we had planned to be in the middle of; however, our Bulldog is just a memory so we stand on the outside looking in.  The first of many hard things for us to experience this year. 
       As I type this I see small remnants of crimson paint that stain my fingers...remnants of a project the kids, Bill, and I finished over the weekend.  It is appropriate that I have that stain, because it is a lot like the stain of sadness that has colored my world during this past year.  This stain, much like my sadness, will fade as this new school year begins.  It has been a summer of healing, of taking remnants from a past full of love and hope, and creating a life without Andrew in the middle of it. 

ALONE WITH MY MEMORIES

       I just put a load of laundry into the dryer and I noticed the four pencil stubs and the last coins I ever retrieved from Andrew's jeans. They adorn the top of our dryer and I keep them there because...I'm not sure why.  I guess that is where I put them originally and I guess that is where they will stay.
       Since Andrew was in the third grade, he had this habit of using his pencils down to a small, little stub.  This drove me nuts!  There are literally fifty or more pencils in our house, but he always seemed to have nothing in his backpack or in his pocket that resembled a full, complete writing utensil known as a pencil.  There is also one that I took out of his shorts after his last golf outting the day before he died.  Everytime I do laundry, these little momentos bring a smile to my heart or a tear to my eye...never know which emotion.
       In a way this summer is much more difficult than last summer.  I honestly think I must of been in shock all of last year.  This year is full of learning to deal with my reality of a very quiet house with the empty bedroom of my son.  My days are filled with little things--laundry, cleaning, reading, watching movies, fixing dinner for Bill, etc.  I like it this way.  This way I don't have to think much.  When Bill gets home we usually spend the evening together, that is unless he has a little project he is working on.  I am beginning to think he doesn't like sitting still, because he notices the quiet too.
       Please don't start planning things for me to do.  I can't do them. I won't do them. I don't seem to have the desire to be too social.  I don't have the need to travel or go shopping.  I do enough, just enough to keep most people from trying to find things for me to do.      
       July has always been my time of rejuvenation (translation...doing nothing to do with school).  It's just that I always had another person in the house during the day to keep me company.  When Andrew was little we did a lot of things together during the summer.  Where I went, he went.  Where he went, I usually took him.  We did Summer Rec. together.  When he learned to golf, I was his caddy.  We went to the movies.  I took him to camp and then picked him up.  Now, I spend my days alone.
       Again, I repeat, I am not looking for things to do.  However, seeing those stubby little pencils just brought me back to another time in my life--a time when I had more than enough to do.  One thing that I have been doing is reading and during that quiet time, I swear I hear someone at the back door.  Not actually at the door, but on the landing of the stairs to the basement.  When someone stands there, a distinctive noise is made.  I swear I hear it often during the day, yet when I check no one is there.  In my heart I want it to be Andrew...making the decision to go out the door and then return at the end of the school day or after practice or after anything.  I just want him to return.  However, in my brain I know he isn't coming home.
       So I am learning to live in my new reality with my memories. I am also working on making new memories. Hendrix comes Tuesday for a day with grandma.  We go to lunch.  We work on her school stuff. We go to the Children's Series movie at the Liberty Theater.  On other days I have coffee with friends.  Bill and I do things on the weekends.  We go to breakfast.  We take a drive. We work on yet another project.  We go to the cemetary and water flowers.  However, I am also learning to live in a quiet house, where I am blessed to have made many memories and where new ones are constantly being made and will continue to be made.

COUSINS

       As my summer vacation begins, I am trying to use my time well.  My first task today was transferring pictures from one computer to another.  Talk about memories rushing back to me.  Each day last week I posted something for which I am thankful in Andrew's life.  This post of my blog will mirror that.  Today I am thankful that Andrew had such great cousins.
      Andrew has a lot of cousins.  Their ages range from 40 to 14.  With that age range, one can imagine that he was closer to some more than others.  Markus, Colleen, and McKenzie are the three who shared most major events with Andrew. 

Markus and Andrew got to play football together the year Andrew was in third grade. 

They played against each other when Andrew was a freshman and Markus was a senior.

. 
Colleen and Andrew shared most everything together--Andrew was from February 9 to May 7 older than Colleen, so they were in the same swimming lessons, went to the same daycare for a while, same Sunday School class, same school class from third grade on

However, it is Andrew and McKenzie who share many similarities.

       Christine and I are constantly amazed at how alike these two cousins are.  They both are a bit unorganized (translate--very messy rooms, though I think McKenzie tries to keep hers clean--Andrew gave up...he just waited for me to clean it for him).  They both have the same attitude towards school.  They are both very competitive on the athletic field.  Watching McKenzie play basketball is a bit bittersweet for me.  She has the same intensity on defense as Andrew.  They spend a bit of every game on the floor.  They both got their concussions in basketball.
       I found a picture of the two of them today.  As I study the picture, I noticed that their hair is the exact same color.  They both have the same smile.  They both have the same twinkle in their eyes.  They are the boy/girl version of the same Delp grandchild. 
       As McKenzie grows up, I wish for her some of the same qualities that Andrew had.  I hope she is kind to all she meets.  I hope she finds and cultivates a personal relationship with Jesus.  I hope she sees value in education.  I hope she is a great teammate to all.  I hope she knows how much she is loved, no matter how tough life is.
       Andrew forgot for a moment how much people loved him.  I will make sure McKenzie never questions that. 
~Andrew's Mom



TENDING ANDREW'S FLOWERS

I'm going to preface this blog by saying I will probably make some people angry at me for what I am about to write.  However, this is my blog and these thoughts have been in my thoughts since last week, so I need to get them out.
       Last week was very difficult for me.  It was the end of the school year, so that made it crazy busy.  I thought I would have time to get my room in order and check out on time.  That didn't happen.  I found lots to keep me busy and even after 10 AM last Friday, I still had kids in my room.  The kids in my room talked as if they have no clue that I was sitting right there.  I heard things I really wished I hadn't heard, but I did hear them.  And the things I heard made me sad, because kids that I love are making terrible personal decisions.  It was also the week of the first anniversary of the day that changed my life forever, just because of a personal decision that can't be reversed.
       Now back to the title of this entry.  On Sunday, June 5, Bill and I went up to Andrew's grave and tended to the hanging baskets that are there.  We watered them and turned them, allowing them to recover from the wind that had been blowing them since their last turning.  So on Tuesday, June 7, when I went to visit again, I was shocked to see how bad the flowers looked.  The constant blowing of the wind on that hill overlooking Dayton had really taken its toll on those poor flower pots.  I thought maybe they were done for the season.  So Kristin helped me load them into the car and I took them home to see if I could revive them.  I placed them on the patio, out of the wind, and started their recuperation.  It was amazing how quickly they snapped out of that dried up, destroyed flower look.  This afternoon when I checked on them I figured it was time to take them back to Andrew and try this again. 
       As I drove to the cemetery this afternoon, all of those overheard conversations came back to my mind.  I thought to myself, "What are they thinking?"  That is the same question I asked last June..."What was he thinking?"  Just like Andrew, have they forgotten all those goals they made so many years before?  Have they forgotten the plans they have made?  Have they forgotten that the rest of their lives is about to begin anew?  Don't they know how these decisions can change their lives...maybe forever?
       Kids, think twice before you do something that can affect your life in a way you are not prepared to handle.  You have made commitments to adults who have helped you get to this point in your life.  You have made commitments to friends and teammates who are working hard towards your shared goal.  You have signed athletic contracts.  You have created and agreed to covenants that you have shared with the community.  You have or you will ask people to support you financially as you go to college.  There are a lot of things that are fun and legal for your age that will not jeopardize your future plans--both plans for this next year and plans for the rest of your life.
        Parents, you must parent your kids.  All I get to do is tend the flowers on my son's grave.  You have an opportunity to remind the kids of the goals they have for their future--both near and far.  Say no.  Don't give them access to places that are unsupervised.  Don't give them access to things that may be legal for you, but are illegal for teenagers.  None of our kids are perfect.  Mine wasn't and now the decision that he made June 7, 2010 has changed everything.  The decisions that the kids are making now can do the same thing.  I know that we can't stop them from making and doing things that are wrong for them, but we can make it more difficult for them.  As they leave, remind them to be safe.  Remind them to make good decisions.  Remind them that they have a lot of people who love them and who are watching what they do...whether they know it or not.
       Kids are like those flower pots.  For me, those flower pots are my responsibility to tend to.  I must water them.  I must feed them.  I must take away the dead, so new can grow.  I must try to protect them from the winds of our area.  As a parent, you must do the same.  Water your children with love.  Feed them with knowledge--both new and from your experiences.  You must help them grow, sometimes by cutting away the parts of their life that is stopping them from blooming.  You must do everything in your power to protect them from the cruel winds of our society.  Remind them everyday that you love them. 
~Andrew's Mom