THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

In the very near future, Bill and I are going to be grandparents again.  I've been thinking about this image all day--just think--our newest grandchild is hanging out with Andrew in heaven, waiting for the time for him or her to come join our family. 
       I'm sad that this newest member of our family will not have the chance to know him as Hendrix did, here on earth, but I truly believe Andrew is spending time with his niece or nephew right now--before we get to.  And on the day God tells him, Andrew will bring our newest Groom to earth on the wings of angels. 
       In 2010 we lost our sweet Andrew.  In 2011 we will welcome a new, sweet little Groom child.  The circle of life.

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAID

A few weeks ago, I was pondering what I would say to the Class of 2011 at their Baccalaureate Service.  And this is what I said...

Thank you for allowing me to speak to you tonight.  This is a privilege because I get to share something personal to me and that is my faith.  Whenever one writes, what is the magic number of things one should write about—that’s right—three.  So tonight I have three G things that I want to speak to you about.  They are guilt, grace, and God.

Guilt is a major part of my life.  I feel guilt about what I eat or what I don’t eat.  I feel guilt that I don’t exercise enough.  I feel guilt that I don’t use the time in my life as well as I might.  I feel guilt because I don’t spend enough time with my parents.  I feel guilt…And because I feel guilt, Satan uses that against me all the time.  He is so good about putting the “What ifs” into my brain.  He did that very well the days following June 7th.  After Andrew’s death I felt guilty about how tough I was on him.  I knew he had a gentle heart and soul, but yet I still pushed, pushed, pushed.  I felt guilty that I hadn’t realized just how sad he really was.  I’ve been around kids a lot in my life.  One would think I would be able to know the depth of my own son’s sadness.  I felt guilty because on the day my son died, I was spending time with you—celebrating the next step of your life—helping you decide things about your graduation. However, I want you to know that Satan was just using all those “what ifs” to weaken my faith, to weaken my resolve to live a life in Christ.  Just as he used Andrew’s sadness and confusion about his life to create one fragile moment for him, he tried to put all of those aspects of my guilt into my head and to take me away from God.  But you know what?  All of those things of which I felt so keenly did not weaken my faith.  They did not take me away from my relationship with God.  And you know why?  It’s because of God’s grace.

Grace is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b: a virtue coming from God c: a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace.  It is the gift of God’s grace that allows me to continue living a life without Andrew.  Andrew took his life, he did not take mine.  And even with all of the stuff Satan keeps putting in my brain via my guilt, I find unmerited divine assistance given to me for my regeneration and my sanctification.  Regeneration is a spiritual renewal or revival.    Sanctification is a blessing.  One may ask, “How can the death of your son be a spiritual renewal or revival of your life, of your faith in God?  How can the death of your son be a blessing?”  I don’t know how it has happened, but it has happened.  My spiritual life is stronger, it is purer.  Blessings have happened in our family because of Andrew’s death.  And all of this is because of God’s grace.  It is a gift I have not earned, yet it has been given to me.

So this brings me to my third and final G—God.  No matter what manner you may choose to worship, there is God in the middle of it.  For some, their god may have a lower case g, but my God has a capital letter G.  He is the center of my life. 


Do you believe in God?  I do.  How can we live in this area of the world and not know that God exists?  How can we look at you and not know God exists?  Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” And Matthew 25:20 says, “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

During the year prior to Andrew’s death I questioned organized religion. I saw so many people claiming to be Christians who were very un-Christ like. They were full of pride and self, rather than God. But I must remember that God is not religion--God is God. He is powerful.

He is:
• the light of the world.
• compassionate.
• the Lord who heals you.
• will strengthen you.
• the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.
• is merciful
• the Lord, the God of all mankind.

So guilt, grace, and God.  These are the three gs that are a part of who I am as a person, who I am as a Christian.  Tonight I leave you with this profession of my faith.

I am a Christian.  I was created for the glory of God.  My life was paid with the blood of Christ on a cross created for a criminal.  I am the daughter of a King.  I am a Christian.

I am a Christian.  I stand on the shoulders of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John: of Deborah, Ruth, and the Marys.  I have known success in my faith and I have known doubt.  I have known unbelievable joy and I have known unbearable sorrow.  I have been tested by the Tempter and I tell you that he has been vanquished --I am a Christian.

I am a Christian.  Tonight I share with you the Good News of Jesus Christ.  I tell you he was born of a virgin, lived on this earth as a man; he was crucified as a criminal, was buried and on the third day rose from the dead. He ascended to Heaven where He stands beside my son and where they await my arrival someday.   I tell you there is a God and He loves you and He loves me.  I tell you God’s grace is available to all.  Grace is a gift…the most precious gift you will ever be given.  I am a Christian.

Know tonight, as we leave this building, there is hope for all who seek Him.  "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”  ~Matthew 7:7

I love you all.  Blessings~

I am honored that the kids allowed me to speak to them.  It is the first time I have spoken about Andrew's death to anyone except family and close friends.  It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I got the chance to share this.  It was a special service for a special group of kids.

As June 7th comes around for the first anniversary of Andrew's death, please pray for Bill and me, for all of our family.  It is hard to live a life without Andrew in it.  I miss him so much that some days I really don't want to get out of bed.  But I do and I make it through the day.  It's just that the days aren't as bright as they used to be. 

Congratulations Class of 2011.  I'm going to miss you.

~Andrew's Mom

LIFE'S NOT THE BREATH YOU TAKE

But life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out
That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point trying to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

I love almost every song George Strait sings; however, lately I seem to be living one particular song.  I am getting my breathe taken away in unexpected times and in unexpected ways. 
       I was working at school the other day, just sitting at my desk grading some papers.  Suddenly, on my computer screen was a picture of Andrew and his friend, Samura.  They were outside her home before they left for the Sadie Hawkins dance.  He came across so larger than life on that screen.  He was smiling.  His eyes were smiling.  He felt so real to me.  I literally lost my breathe for a moment.  Then I remembered that he was gone.  It took me a moment or two before I could move.  I suddenly lost all motivation for reading another paper.

       This afternoon I stopped by my sister-in-law's salon.  On the counter was this list of people.  It was a pretty wide list--three columns wide and a full page of names.  Suddenly I realized it was a list of all the people who had died in Columbia County during the past year--May 2010 to May 2011.  Towards the top of the page, in the first column, there he was. Andrew David Groom--16.  I literally froze for a moment and lost my breath, as if someone had kicked me in the stomach.  There it was in black and white. My son's name on a list of the dead of Columbia County.

       For the next two weeks, I think I will be breathing in and out, just getting through the day.   Life's not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. 

~Andrew's Mom

I SAW GOD TODAY

This is a very busy time of year for me. I work 8-10 hours at school and then I work in my sleep for who knows how long?  I remember aspects of my dreams, but I feel the anxiety of whatever I dreamt about for hours after.  Last night's highlight--I forgot to get the scholarship information to the principal for the graduation ceremony.  My heart is still beating a little fast right now.
       Last night was the first night of "Senior Exit Interviews."  At my school we have academic advisory.  For four years, teachers work with a specific group of students on their goals--academic, citizenship, and career--plus we try to help them see what may be in their future.  Last night I met with the first half of my kids for the final time.  I was not prepared for the level of emotion I felt during each conference.  As I sat there listening to them talk about their final grades, their Senior Projects, and where they stood for the next two weeks, I felt extreme pride for the young men and women they have grown into.  And all of a sudden, they are so grown up!
       This class has a very special place in my heart.  For many, they knew Andrew as a small boy.  They attended Judy's Day Care with him.  They played soccer, t-ball, and basketball with him.  They also shared my grief last June, as their teacher wasn't with them in the classroom for the last week of school.  They did everything I wanted them to do and more, even though I wasn't with them.  This year they have shown kindness and love towards me as we have traveled through this very special year for them.  They were aware of my tenderness and for the most part, they protected me from so much.  Whether they know it or not, they have shown God's love to me all year long.  Now believe me, I know they have complained about me at times this year and I have had my moments with them as well.  However, in the end, it really has been a great senior year for them and for me.
       During one of our exit interviews, I sat across the table from a mom and a daughter whose love for each other is palpable.  When you are with them, you know they really love each other.  As I watched them talk about the end of this young lady's high school career, I realized that this seemed pretty normal.  However, the three of us share a life today that we would never have imagined a year ago.  Not much about our lives are normal these days.  Important people in our lives are no longer with us, because of their choice, not ours.  As I looked at the joy in the daughter's face and the pride on the mother's face, I thought this is God's grace.  Just as God has allowed Bill and me to go on and live our lives, God is allowing this mother and daughter to live their lives and celebrate this special accomplishment.  Sadness still is our companion, yet God takes His arms and wraps us in His love, letting us remember the good things in our lives rather than dwelling on what we have lost.
       As I shared one more time with each student and his/her family, I thought how can anyone doubt God's existence when one looks on the faces of these young people who have just accomplished one goal, looking towards the future with such hope.  I saw God today.

~Andrew's Mom

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE

       We all know how our senses can act as memory makers.  Sights, smells, touch, taste...those things can bring memories flooding back to our minds.  I've already written about Andrew's smell and how I try to get a whiff of it whenever I walk into his room.  However, the sense that has been around me this weekend is the sense of sound.
      One of Andrew's friends sent me a message this week, sharing how he has been thinking about him a lot.  He shared one particular memory that has been on my mind since I read it.

 "I miss hearing his shoes squeak as he would run through the door trying to beat the tardy bell."

       Yep, that's my boy.  Always running in at the last minute.  Being early was one thing Bill and I could not instill in him.  Another dear friend sent me a message saying she missed seeing him running to catch the bus. 
       But let's go back to the sound.  Andrew found these really great shoes last year.  He loved those shoes, but one day he got them wet and from that moment on, they squeaked.  No matter what we did to them, they squeaked.  Andrew would put the shoes away for awhile because the squeak bothered him, but he said those shoes felt so great he would just be squeaky until he couldn't take it any longer--then the shoes would go back into the closet.
       After Hendrix left yesterday our house was very quiet.  I noticed it immediately.  It was such a lonely sound.  My heart broke a little more as I stood in the middle of my house hearing the silence.
       Four weeks from today will mark the first anniversary of Andrew's death.  I remember the silence in the house as Bill and I walked in, looking for him.  I think about the sound of my phone calls breaking the silence that had taken over our house that day.  I reflect on my life without Andrew as I stand by his grave on the hill overlooking town.  The sounds of silence.
       I had a dream about him last night.  I came home and found him still sleeping.  Oh how I wish that was true.  I was so elated when I touched his shoulder and he woke up.  He looked so handsome. I even smelt him.  However, there were no sounds to this dream.  The sounds of silence.
~Andrew's Mom

WHAT TO SAY?

This weekend has been difficult for me.  It started Friday afternoon when Hendrix gave me a "Grandmother--Mother's Day" card.  I read the words aloud to her and by the middle of the poem I was in tears.  I knew I was dreading this weekend, my first Mother's Day in seventeen years without my son, but I didn't know how tender I had become.  I had lots of fun things scheduled to do this weekend, but I immediately knew some of them would have to happen without me.  The tears are back and they come with little warning--this is not a good thing when you are in public.
     So I spent Friday evening working on my message for the WHS Class of 2011's Baccalaureate service.  But what do I say to them? 
     It has been a year of extreme highs (lots of success on the athletic fields and in the classroom) and extreme lows (controversies, deaths, general teenage stress).  I want the message to be one of faith and hope. 
      So please pray that the words they need to hear are the words I write.  Pray for strength for me as I share my heart and for them as they hear the words.  Pray for open ears and open hearts.  Please pray for me and for the WHS Class of 2011.

~Andrew's Mom

THE TIES THAT BIND

Hendrix was at her wisest this weekend.  I think she can see my thoughts on my face.  We were driving back from school on Friday and I hear this small, "You miss him."  It was such a quiet statement I almost missed it.  I looked in the rear view mirror and said, "What did you say?"  She quietly replied, "You miss Andrew, don't you?"  A lump instantly formed in my throat and I said, "Yes, honey, I do.  Every minute of every day I miss him."  The kids in my life are so busy--track, baseball, softball, and this weekend, prom.  Just a year ago Andrew went to prom.  This year, everyone went and he wasn't there.
       Friday Hendrix and I went over to watch the W-P softball team play Dayton.  As we were going to the field, I saw some of the baseball boys getting ready for practice.  I saw Wyatt first and whipped around to talk to him.  Bill and I had seen him driving to school earlier in the day.  Yes, it was the first day for him.  He had just got his license the day before.  Then Garett and Hayden pulled in.  Colton popped out from behind the fence.  It did my heart good to see the boys.  I hadn't seen them much since basketball ended.  I miss them.
       Saturday saw Hendrix and me making another trip to the fields, this time to watch the W-P baseball team play Dayton.  As we passed the football field, Hendrix asked when football would start.  I told her as soon as our summer vacation was over, it would be time for football.  "Since we don't have Andrew anymore, who will we watch?"   I reminded her about the boys we had just visited with the day before.  "We will watch Hayden, Colton, Garett, Wyatt, Kroft, Joey, and the rest of the boys."  "Oh," she said.  "Okay, I want football to come soon." 
       I thought about her thinking process the rest of the day.  She doesn't see Andrew as a member of a group, but as her uncle who is gone.  I still see Andrew with the boys.  When I see them, I look for him.  I think about the evening of the Spring Sports banquet, last June 1.  After the dinner, Roy and Clayton had a meeting with the boys about summer basketball plans.  At the end of the meeting, Colton turned to Andrew and extended his hand, helping him up off the floor where he had been sitting.  I think of that image so often.  Andrew must have felt alone, yet all he had to do was to look around and one of the boys would have extended a helping hand to him.  So many would have, if we would have only known.
       The ties that are pictured at the beginning of this entry are in his room, hanging in the same spot where he left them after basketball season ended.  Notice that many of them are still tied.  Notice his beloved pink tie--now my beloved pink tie.  Whether the boys know it or not, they have a tie that binds them to Bill and to me.  They will always be a part of our lives.  We will support them in all ways, at all times.  It is a tie to Andrew that we are not quiet ready to let go of.  I'm not sure if we every will be.

~Andrew's Mom