JOY TO THE WORLD

     I love Disney Pixar movies.  In Monsters Inc., when all seemed doom and gloom for their source of energy--children's screams--Sully suddenly remembered the power of Boo's laughter.  Yesterday I, too, was reminded of the power of children's laughter.
     I spent Friday afternoon with the juniors and seniors of WHS.  For a thank you for all their hard work with Cycle Oregon, we took them bowling (the underclassmen get to go next week).  For over an hour, they bowled, laughed, squealed, and enjoyed being kids.  I was in the middle of this joy and I smiled the entire time.  It was a fabulous way to spend a Friday afternoon.
     Then, once I returned home, Bill, Hendrix and I went to have a soup night at the cabin.  It was quiet and peaceful--peaceful that was until grandpa got the four-wheeler out.  The two of them went up and down the lane--huge grins on both of their faces.  Once dinner was over, the three of us went for a ride.  Hendrix would yell at Bill, "Grandpa--go really fast on the straight stretches."  And he would.  Hendrix's pig-tails flew into Bill's face and her squeals of laughter flew into my heart.  Oh, the power of a child's laugh!

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

Next weekend, we get to go see the Oregon kids.  More children's laughter to renew my energy source.  Once again, in the midst of my sorrow, God allows me to find joy.  Yes, indeed--Joy to the World!

~Andrew's Mom

HOMESICK FOR ANDREW

     Throughout my life I have had a problem with homesickness.  Now for some who know how much I have traveled and been away from home, this may come as a surprise.  I remember being homesick at Camp Fire Girls camp when I was eight.  I remember being homesick at 4-H camp when I was thirteen.  I remember being homesick at Evergreen Girls' State at sixteen.  First night at WSU--homesick.  First night in London--homesick (and really so, because I also had the flu and there was no one to take care of me or feel sorry for me...woe is me!)  First night, first summer in Boston--yup, homesick.  I even was homesick in the hospital after Andrew was born.  Everyone had left--even Andrew was in the nursery.  The feeling of homesickness was so strong I felt physically ill.  For the past two weeks I have that same feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am homesick for my home with Andrew in it.
     I think there are two reasons why I have felt this way lately.  One reason is the fact that I am with sixteen, seventeen, and eighteen year old kids five days a week.  And the fact that some of those kids were friends from day care, classmates and teammates of Andrew's when he went to school in Waitsburg makes his spirit even stronger.  I see Justin, Austin, Kaz, Devin, Tre, Alyssa, Megan, and Christy every day.  When I look at them, I think of dropping off Andrew at Judy's Day Care, seeing Kaz and Austin already playing upstairs.  I remember playing "I spy with my little eye" with Andrew and Devin as we walked to day care when the boys were in kindergarten.  I remember them being first and second graders playing soccer.  I think of Justin, Devin, and Tre learning to play basketball with Andrew.  I remember birthday parties and snowmobile outtings.  Lately, I just remember those days so vividly.
     A second reason is that Hendrix has moved into Andrew's room.  I still have many of his pictures and things in his room.  His letterman's jacket hangs in the closet.  The football signed by the WP team sits on his dresser.  Last month I would go into the room, maybe once a day.  Now, I am in there multiple times in a hour.  His essence is still in that room.  It will always be his room, even if we start adding a bit of princess here and there.  They make pink camo.  It goes with the deer mural that guards the room.
     So, I miss Andrew.  I am homesick for the home that he was a part of.  I miss having multiple boxes of very unhealthy cereal in the cupboard.  I miss having granola bar wrappers stuffed under the cushions of the sofa in the backroom.  I miss tripping over that huge backpack of his that never seemed to be in the place it was suppose to be.  I miss the phone call--"Come get me."  I miss being his mom.
     I missed him so much today, I just had to stop and visit him on my way home.  I love visiting him.  I feel him there.  It still seems surreal, but I love going up and watering his flowers.  This way, I can still take care of him. 
     Tonight as I sit here, missing him, I am reminded yet again that Andrew is with his Heavenly Father and he has a project that he is working on.  My students of the past have been keeping him busy.  First there was Lily and then Mabel.  Now he brought Jake Lee to Caris and Cody Tuesday night.  I know the babies of my school children all have the same guardian angel--Andrew.  I still miss him so, but I know that God knew what Andrew's life was like before he came to me and He knows what his life will be after he left me.
     Even though I felt homesickness the first night of most all of my adventures, I ended up being strong and getting over it.  I know, with God's help, I will be strong, but I don't think I'll ever really get over the feeling of missing Andrew.  But I do love the image of him being a guardian angel to the babies who have recently entered our lives.  I know for a fact, he is the guardian angel to one little five year old, who now sleeps in his bed and helps fill the space in my heart that misses Andrew.
~Andrew's Mom

PIG PEN AND ME

       Remember this Peanuts character?  His name is Pig Pen and he was very easy to pick out from the Peanuts crowd, because he always had his cloud of dust that followed him.  I'm feeling very much like Pig Pen this weekend; however, the cloud that is following me is not a cloud of dust; my cloud is a cloud of sadness. 
       Sadness is a funny thing (not ha! ha! funny--strange funny).  It comes upon a person like an autumn fog creeping over the foothills of the Blue Mountains.  At first one may think one's eyes are playing tricks on them.  What is that thing coming over the hill?  Is it smoke? No, it is fog, creeping slowly into the valley, bringing with it a chill that is hard to escape.  My sadness is much like that.  It starts as something small--something someone says about Andrew.  Next thing I know, that is all I can think about.  Then I start remembering our life as a family and I realize a cloud of sadness has joined my new life. 
       We had another first yesterday--a Cougar football Saturday.  It was a good game to watch and yes, even a win for the Cougs.  However, I felt my companion with me--my cloud of sadness.  Even among all that Crimson and Gray, my companion of sadness ruined my day.  Usually, being around that many people in my favorite colors always brings me joy.  Not now.  Not as long as my cloud of sadness was with me.
       Back to Pig Pen.  He never complained about his life.  Who knows why that cloud of dust followed his every move? What was his life like away from the Peanuts kids?  Whatever it was like, he didn't complain about it.   I am not complaining about my life--okay, so I am-- but just this once.  However, I guess I just want people to understand what life is like for me at present.  My cousin told me that in her job, when a major event passes they call their new status the "new normal."  So what is my "new normal"?
       During this weekend I have discovered what my "new normal" is.  It is a life without my son.  When I go to school events, Andrew won't be there.  When we make plans, we don't have to check Andrew's calendar.   So my real discovery about what my new normal is includes my cloud.  One minute I am ready to go to a social event and then next minute my cloud stops me. How can I be around people who are so happy when I am so sad?  
       So, I want everyone to treat me just like the Peanuts kids treated Pig Pen.  He was their friend, dust cloud and all, and even though his dust took the curl out of one girl's hair, he was still their friend.  Still be my friend.  I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable about talking to me about Andrew.  I want to talk to you about him.  Let's remember the goofy things he did.  Let's remember the sweet things he did.  Let's remember the irritating things he did. Let's laugh about him.  Let's cry about him.  Let's remember him.

~Andrew's Mom

FOOTBALL, FAITH, & FRIENDS

       Tonight the Bulldogs are in Enterprise, Oregon--second game of the season.  We should be there.  Once Andrew told us we would be going to Enterprise on a Thursday evening, Bill and I knew we would take off early to make the trip over the mountains.  It would be a special trip, because we would get to see our dear friends, David and Melody.  We had it all planned out--get off at 1 p.m.--arrive in Enterprise in time for an early dinner with David and Mel--go to the game--make the long journey back home.  Instead, tonight we visited Andrew on that beautiful hill overlooking Dayton.
       I am still asking myself how could this be?  This is football season--Andrew's favorite time of year.  He was a true football fan--fanatic that is.  He has always loved football.  Could it be because of all those football games he went to as a baby and a young child?  I think of him in his "jogger stroller" as we walked the sidelines of Bulldog Stadium.  I think of that night in the late 90s when we travelled to Selkirk to watch the Cardinals compete in a playoff game.  It was so cold that when the boys took the field, their cleats on the frozen ground sounded like a herd of reindeer, not a team of teenage boys, had taken the field.  Andrew just sat with me on the bleachers--a little mummy boy in all the layers I had dressed him in. I look at those pictures of Andrew and Clint after a Warriors football game:  little brother idolizing big brother. I think of him on Saturday afternoons, watching college football, yelling from the back room--"Did you see that catch?  Wow! Now that was a tackle!"  His PlayStation with all his football games sits silent where he left it.  How can he be missing football season?
       Because football season is here, it must mean it is time to go back to work.  As I return to my life as a teacher, I have discovered that my faith has been made stronger once again.  On June 7th, I walked out of the doors of WHS not knowing where my son was.  When I walked back through the doors of WHS on September 7th, I knew my son was no longer with me, but with our Heavenly Father.  Everyday this week, as my heart breaks from missing Andrew so, I am reminded that my God loves me and He loves Andrew. I am reminded of this in the faces of my students.  I am reminded of this by the kindness of my colleagues.  My faith is intact and it is growing stronger as I try to grow stronger without my son by my side.
      As my faith grows, so do my friendships.  My friends continue to rally around me, protecting me and lifting me up during my time of sorrow.  I have reconnected with friends from my past.  I have reconnected with family members.  I have reconnected with my God.  Once again, in this time of sadness I find joy--joy in remembering how much my boy loved football; joy in discovering that my faith doesn't diminish in my sorrow, but grows; joy in living a life full of wonderful friends.

~Andrew's Mom

EMPTY JERSEY--FULL HEART

      Friday night was the first Bulldog football game of the season.  I knew I had to go, but I was dreading it.  What would it be like without our #55 on the field?  Am I still a Bulldog mom even though my Bulldog is gone?  I didn't know how this weekend would be, but once again, God has a plan to help ease my pain. 
     Thursday night was a dry run for us.  On the day of Andrew's service, Bill and I decided we still wanted to continue on with the responsibilities of being football and basketball parents until the Class of 2012 graduated.  For the football team, that means hosting a team dinner.  Knowing it would be hard to do, we decided to tell Vicki (the wonderful football mom who organizes the dinners and so much else) that we would like to host the first dinner.  So, almost three months later, that night had finally come.  I didn't know what to expect, but just as they had been on every other occasion, the boys were wonderful to us.  One tough event down--many more to go. 
     After the meal we went to the football rally at the Bulldog field.  The last time we had been there was the night of Andrew's candlelight service.  It brought a chill down my back and brief tears to my eyes as the team came into the stadium together.  My heart looked for #55 even though my mind kept telling me he wasn't there.  One more tough event down.  As we left, we saw Bill's sister.  She was excited about something and she couldn't contain herself.  Clint, Ashley and the kids were coming tomorrow.  We would go to the game as a family.
     In the end, the Groom Family minus one (Amanda couldn't come due to work obligations) attended the first Bulldog football game without Andrew together.  Billy, Jessie, Clint, Ashley, Noah, Hendrix, and Maddie surrounded Bill and me as we experience this first game without our Bulldog #55.  Also in attendance were my two brothers and their families, my parents, Bill's brother and sister-in-law, plus his sister and her two grandchildren.  Add two uncles, three aunts, and numerous cousins and you can see that God knew we needed a little support for this event.  They weren't there just for us--we do have other family members involved with the team and the cheer squad--however, it was great to have them around us.
     After the team had their post-game discussion, the coaches (with Andrew's teammate Kroft in the lead) had the boys gather for a picture with Andrew's two brothers.  I swear, if you look hard enough, you see that big grin of his somewhere in this picture.  It is a precious picture for our family.
      It took awhile for us to gather everyone together to make our way home.  As I was walking towards the exit, I looked up into the empty stands.  Below the announcers booth hung the #55 crimson Bulldog football jersey.  My heart jumped into my throat when I saw it.  But at that moment, even with sadness in my spirit, I didn't feel emptiness.  How could I with all the love that had surrounded me on this most difficult evening?  Even though the jersey was empty, my heart wasn't.  My heart was full--full of pride for the boys who had just played a tough game; full of love for my family who continue to rally around us; full of joy because for sixteen years I had Andrew in my life.

~Andrew's Mom

HENDRIX

  There are many people who have helped Bill and me get through the past months.  The one person who may have been most helpful has no idea what she has done for us.  How can she?  She is only five years old and she is one of the most precious gifts I have in my life.  Hendrix River Groom is grandchild #4 (age wise) of the five Groom grandchildren.  However, because of her parents' work situation and other activities--mainly their love of softball--Hendrix has been a permanent fixture in our home since she was four months old.  She was six months old when she attended her first AAU tournament.  She has traveled to Oregon, Idaho, California, Montana, and Wyoming with us. She has attended high school football, volleyball, and basketball games.  She has even attended Cougar football games, as well as a Mariner game with us.  Wherever we go, she goes.

Because of all the time she has spent with us during the past five years, it was only natural that she and Andrew would become close.  Andrew is the youngest of four children, but his siblings were only in the house a few years while he was growing up.  Billy is sixteen years older--Clint is ten years older, with Amanda in the middle.  So having Hendrix with us so much, Andrew got to find out what it was like to have a little sister. When she was younger, she was fun to play with.  As she grew older and more verbal, we saw the relationship grow more sibling-like a.k.a. arguing, irritating, and tattling on one another.  However, you knew they would go to the ends of the earth for one another.  Andrew was also very good to Hendrix. If he promised something to her, he was good on his word. 

The last memory I have of the two of them together takes place on a late May Sunday afternoon.  Bill and Andrew spent the day mowing lawns.  It had been a gloomy weekend and Hendrix spent most of it indoors.  Before Bill and Andrew left that morning, Hendrix said, "Grandma~it's a beautiful day outside."  "Yes, Hendrix.  It is a beautiful day outside."  Let me translate this for you--"Grandma, I want you to go outside and play with me."  "Hendrix, I don't want to go outside and play."  Andrew heard our conversation and told Hendrix that he would play with her when he got back home.  True to his word, once he and Bill returned home, he took her outside to play.  Not only did he take her to play, he took her to the park to play.  The park is about a mile from our house and he decided they would walk.  He was a smart kid--he knew if they walked, she would be tired and he wouldn't have to play with her very long.  They went and we received a phone call about 45 minutes later.  They both were ready to come home and neither one of them wanted to walk.  But how many sixteen year old boys would take their four year old niece to the park to play, just because he said he would?

 Hendrix was always concerned (or nosy) about Andrew--Where is he?  When will he be home?  Why is he in trouble?  Why does he get to go and I can't?  She's been the same way since his death.  On that evening, we were sitting on my parents' porch.  Mother has this interesting bush--it is red and green.  Hendrix was out playing and she brought me two leaves from that bush.  "The green one is Andrew when he was alive.  The red one is Andrew's blood now that he is dead.  He's with Jesus now, Grandma."  Out of the mouths of babes.  She's also been concerned with his well-being.  One night while I was fixing dinner Hendrix looked at me and said, "Grandma, Jesus is going to fix Andrew anything he wants to eat."  She had been the witness to many discussions as to how I wished Andrew would vary his diet.  Cereal really isn't the only thing a boy should eat.  Then last week, while she and I were having major discussions about what was appropriate for a five year old to wear to school, she looked at me and asked, "What do you think Andrew is wearing right now?"  I had an image of him in basketball shorts and a t-shirt.  So I told her.  "God will let him wear whatever he wants," she replies.  She's right, he will.

        The best discussion we've had is a memory that will always bring a laugh.  Right after Andrew died, we cleaned his room and moved the computer in there.  Andrew and I had had many discussions about where his bed fit best.  I thought it was great against the east wall--he liked it in the middle of the room.  Every year I would put it where I wanted it.  Shortly after that move, he would move it back to the middle.  So as I was rearranging the room, Hendrix informed me that where I had placed the bed was not where Andrew liked it.  I informed her that I didn't care, I liked the bed against that wall.  And a second point of discussion was, "And he isn't here to argue with me about it."  So I turned the light out and we walked out of the room.  As I closed the door I hear, "He's not going to like it."  And that was the final statement about the placement of the bed.

       So it's not just her company that has allow me to go on with my life without Andrew, it is her compassion for him now that he is no longer with us.  She helps me water the flowers on his grave.  She rearranges things like she thinks he would like them.  I hope as she grows older she will not forget him.  I hope as she grows older she will understand how much her love has helped to lessen the pain I feel each day.  Because of the love she and I share for Andrew, I have hope.

~Andrew's Mom