IF I'D ONLY KNOWN

       Tomorrow will be the first day of school for Dayton High School.  Junior year for the Class of 2012.   If I'd only known the picture I took of Andrew last August would be my last "first day of school" picture that I would ever take of him, what would I have done differently?  If I'd only known . . .

• I would have given him the world;
• I would have taken away his pain;
• I would have made his life easier;
• I would have been kinder with my words;
• I would have listened more intently;
• I would have looked at him--really looked at him.

While I've been pondering this, I began thinking about when Jesus was tested by Satan. 

• "Command this stone to turn into a loaf of bread," says Satan.
• "It takes more than bread to really live," replied Jesus.
• "Worship me and they're all yours (all the nations of the world). . ." says Satan.
• "Worship the Lord your God and only the Lord your God.  Serve him with absolute single-heartedness," replied Jesus.
• "If you are God's son, jump.  It's written, isn't it, that 'he has placed you in the care of angels to protect you. . ." says Satan.
• "Yes, and it is also written, 'Don't you dare tempt the Lord your God!' " replied Jesus.

That completed the testing.  The Devil retreated temporarily, lying in wait for another opportunity.   Matthew 4:1-13

        This is kind of how I am feeling about the question, "If I'd only known, what would I have done differently?"  In reality, nothing I can do will turn back time.  However, Satan is always sitting on my shoulder, whispering. . ."If only you would have. . ."  If I ponder this question too much, I will go crazy.  I will allow Satan to put the same darkness on me that he covered Andrew with.  So, I'm not going to ponder that question any more.  "Stop asking me that question," I reply.
       During our trip to Yellowstone this summer, I had a dream about Andrew.  The dream takes place in our home.  It was June 7.  I kept telling myself--if I take him to school, everything will be okay.  If I insist that he let me wait for him, everything will be okay.  But of course, I can't turn back time.  In this dream I just look at him and ask him, "Do you know how difficult my life is without you?"  He looks right at me and with love in his face he says, "Yes, I do."
       I do know one thing I would love to be able to do, whether I knew what would happen or not.  I would take his beautiful face in my hands and I would make him understand how much I love him.  If I'd only known, I would have loved him even more.

~Andrew's Mom

BOOK REPORT #1--A FINAL THOUGHT

       Okay, I can't quite leave What To Do on the Worst Day of Your Life yet.  When Andrew died, I never once questioned whether he was in Heaven with our Heavenly Father.  Andrew is in Heaven. The definition of Heaven is " with God."  Andrew is with God.  So when my friend Brian Zahnd--yes, he is my friend now...and my brother in Christ--wrote about Hell, his words seared into my brain.

"God has an intense anger toward evil.  In part, hell can be understood as God's eternal wrath toward irredeemable evil.  That is why hell was created.  Hell is not God's intention for human beings.  Jesus speaks of hell being created for the devil and his angels.  Nevertheless, humans can give themselves so completely over to wickedness that there is no place left for them but the hell created for the devil and his angels."

      Hell is a place without God.  It is place for Satan and his angels.  Even though, on somedays, I feel that I have fallen into the pit of hell, I know God loves me and will always lend a hand when I feel like I've fallen and I can't get out.  The term "irredeemable evil" really stands out to me.  Think about the song lyrics "I know my redeemer lives."  Jesus has redeemed me from my sins.  He can redeem anyone who asks.  Just ask.

~Andrew's Mom

BOOK REPORT #1 conclusion--THE CHECKLIST

So as you can see, I got a lot out of the book, What To Do on the Worst Day of Your Life.   I haven't even commented on the actual ten chapters of the book and I've already written two entries.  So I'm creating a checklist from the actual ten chapters of the book.

• Weep--okay, been there--still doing it;
• Don't get bitter--I'm not.  I'm just sad;
• Encourage Yourself in God--I'm trying;
• Get a Word from God--I'm listening;
• Reorient your Vision--I have to...too much of our life was organized around him;
• Regain your Passion--First I have to think about what my passion is.  I'll get back to you on that one;
• Attack--did that...I'll tell you the story of the basement soon;
• Recover all--seems a little hard since my son is gone. However, "I believe I will recover all because God raised his Son to life again."  It is a faith thing, I need to remind myself;
• Celebrate Recovery--Psalm 30:11-12 "You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance;  You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers.  I'm about to burst with song;  I can't keep quiet about you.  God, my God, I can't thank you enough."  I know this is true because I know my redeemer lives.  Again, it is a faith thing.   Note to self:  Don't underestimate God's grace!
• Give to Others--Share God's grace and one's faith.  Share our money and our time.  Share...share...share;
• A Tapestry of Grace--"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."  Think about what the back of a tapestry looks like.  It is messy.  So is my life without Andrew.  However, that is my present moment.  My one moment in this journey called life.  The front of the tapestry will be my completed story.  I have the power to make it beautiful or ugly.  I hope I always turn to God to give me the tools to make it beautiful.

That is it in a nutshell.  It is a small book with powerful words.  But remember, God's words are powerful.  God's words are healing.  God is love.  I love God and I know He loves me.  Thank God!

~Andrew's Mom

BOOK REPORT #1 continued--LIFE IS NOT FAIR, BUT GOD IS JUST

       How could I not be intrigued about a book in which this statement is made on the first page--"Life is not fair, but God is just."  That is exactly how I feel, but it was hard to explain it to other people.  "Sometimes you just have to trust in the character of God."  Is this man looking into my heart as he was writing this?  So many of the words he spoke in the first part of this book mirrored discussions and decisions Bill and I made immediately following Andrew's death.  "... regardless of where I am or what circumstances are, God is still love, and His grace is sufficient for me." 
       Andrew was a child of God.  The church was a second home for him and he loved Jesus.  So when he told us he was ready to "go home", we knew exactly what he meant.  As selfish as I wanted to be by still wanting him with me, I got it.  It gave me peace.  I'm sure some people may think I'm crazy, but that is what faith is.  It is believing without seeing.  It is understanding that I will survive this because I know Jesus loves me.  It is the grace of God.  Don't get me wrong--I miss Andrew so much.  I miss what life was like with him.  I miss what life would have been with him.  I just miss him. 
        I believe in Satan as much as I believe in God.  I see Satan working his way in our world today. Do you not think he is laughing at us when he sees the turmoil in our lives?  In the lives of our children?  I believe in the statement... "God is not the source of the difficult experiences in life.  God did not send the Amalekits to Ziklag...The evil of a fallen world and the schemes of the evil one (Satan) are the primary sources for human suffering.  Nevertheless, God has His purposes, and with a victorious end in mind, He does allow trouble into our lives.  It is facing and triumphing over the great trials of life that you learn what it means to overcome the world and to live more than a conquerer.  The keystone to the Christian life is victory--the victory that flows from the Cross and empty tomb to transform our lives today.  Victory is not the absence of trouble.  Victory is defined as success in a struggle against difficulties and overcoming an enemy."  And "faith is the victory that overcomes--even on the worst day of your life."
        As I said the day of the dedication of Andrew's stone, I believe there was a battle for Andrew in my home on June 7th.  Satan put thoughts of despair into Andrew's mind and convinced him he had only one solution to the pain he was feeling.  However, God loves Andrew and knew it was mutual.  God took Andrew out of the hands of Satan and took him home.  And after all, that was really what Andrew wanted.  So I must accept that and not allow Satan to cover me with his darkness.  I must have the faith that is the victory that overcomes. I must have it, because if I fall into the negative life Satan wants for me, then I do not have victory.  And, just as I want my son to have victory in Christ,  I too want to have victory in Christ.
      
~Andrew's Mom

BOOK REPORT #1--WHAT TO DO ON THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE

       For the first month after Andrew's death I read very little.  I read my Bible, a little bit.  I looked over the book True, which was one of the last books Andrew was reading.  I read The U-B, The Dayton Chronicle, and The Times.  That was it.  That was all I could put into my numb brain.  Then one day a dear friend sent me a package that started my healing process.
      Over the first month after Andrew's death, we received so many wonderful cards, but one day the USPS delivered a small package.  In it was a touching card and a book.  The title of the book...What To Do on the Worst Day of Your Life.  Okay, the title intrigued me, but I wasn't ready yet.
       I put it by my chair and went on with my daily routine that had allowed me to get up every morning...get up, walk around the block, eat breakfast, do laundry, eat lunch, vacuum, do dishes, watch mindless re-runs, make dinner, eat, go for a ride with Bill, go to bed.  That had been my routine.  Not very exciting, but it allowed me to survive.  Add coffee with dear friends, lunch with dear friends, dinner with dear friends, talking with dear friends and that was my life the first month of my new life without my son.
      One evening, I decided it was time to look at the book that had become my companion, sitting patiently on the table next to my chair, waiting for my heart to be ready to hear its words.  I was ready.
       WTDOTWDOYL was written by Brian Zahnd.  He is the founder and senior pastor of Word of Life Church in St. Joseph, Missouri.  I really didn't read his information on the back cover of the book until I was finished.  I was shocked as to what he looks like.  He looks like a "cool, hip" young pastor, yet his words are so full of age and wisdom.  It just shows me once again--God's words come through many different people.
       This book is the off-shoot of a sermon he gave addressing all the trials and tribulations he saw members of his congregation facing.  It is the story of how David dealt with adversity.  How would you deal with losing everything in your life--your family, your home, your wealth--in one fell swoop? 
       There are too many "gems" in this book to share in this one entry.  So as my day allows, I will share the ones that allowed me to begin my new life without my most precious treasure.

~Andrew's Mom

DEDICATION DAY--JULY 5, 2010

          I am a person who likes to mark occasions with words.  This makes sense because words are my business.  Therefore, I couldn't just put flowers on Andrew's headstone and call it good.  I wanted to have a ceremony to dedicate his stone.  I wanted to gather some of the people who love him the most, one more time, on that hill overlooking town to say another good-bye.
       The following is what I said on that day.  I wanted people to know what he was reading during the last days of his life.  I wanted to share my thoughts.  I wanted to give them a call to action.  I just wanted to dedicate my son to God one more time.

We come today to dedicate Andrew’s marker. For me this is not a sad place. Bill and I have spent many evenings here since June 10th. One night we almost got to spend the night, because we got locked in. However, this is not where Andrew is, but I feel his spirit here when I visit. This is our place to come to remember him, but I firmly believe that his spirit is in Heaven and will be there waiting for the day that we all get to see him again.

Tom—would you ask God’s blessing on our time here today?


Before Andrew died, he was reading and the things he was reading seemed to tell me he was searching for answers. Here are a few things that I found in the book that he was reading last.


• He was reading that God is a God of deliverance. Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord brings you today. Exodus 14:13
• He was reading that God is a God of infinite support. I will be your God throughout your lifetime…I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. Isaiah 46:4
• He was reading that God is a God of transformation. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is. Romans 12:2
• He was reaing that God is a God of recovery and restoration. He will renew your life and sustain you. Ruth 4:15
• He was reading that God is a God of constant companionship. …How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me! Psalm 139 17-18
• He was reading that God is a God of refuge and comfort. The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. Nahum 1:7


Until the day comes that we meet Andrew again, we will never know what was on his mind the morning of June 7. But he was a boy who was searching for answers in God’s word and in His will. That is why I believe that Satan wanted him so badly; he did what ever he had to do to put doubt in Andrew’s mind. Like Bob said the Sunday after we lost Andrew—Satan is a big fat liar, but on that morning Andrew forgot that. And if we allow all the darkness that he enveloped Andrew with on June 7 to take over our lives—and for me personally to question how tough we were on him or what words I said that I would love to take back--then Satan has not only won over Andrew, but he’s won us as well. And I for one will not allow that to happen. I truly believe that God battled Satan for Andrew and God won. I truly believe Andrew is in Heaven and God has a plan for all of us. The pain will not go away, but we do not have to bear the pain alone. We need to ask God for help. Even though I feel extreme sadness at Andrew not being here with us, I feel extreme peace knowing that he is wrapped in God’s loving arms. And whatever pain overcame Andrew, that pain is gone.
 
Over the past year I have questioned organized religion. I see so many people claiming to be Christians who are very un-Christ like. They are full of pride and self, rather than God. But I must remember that God is not religion--God is God. He is powerful.

He is:
• the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. John 8:12
• compassionate. Exodus 22:27
• the Lord who heals you. Exodus 15:26
• will strengthen you. Isaiah 45:5
• the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17
• is merciful…Jeremiah 3:12
• the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for Him? Jeremiah 32:27


So on this day that we dedicate Andrew’s marker and give us all a place to come to remember him, I ask you to remember how much we love Andrew. And ever though Andrew took his life, we must remember that he did not take ours. We still have a life to live. We have children amongst us who need our strength and our wisdom to help them grow. We have siblings and friends who are here to support us when times are difficult.

Before I ask Bob to close our time together, I have two verses that I feel sum up my faith that I will see Andrew again. I believe there is a plan for all of us; we just have to be open to see the things God puts before us.


In Jeremiah 29:11 it is written…“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you future and a hope.”

And in Isaiah 40:31
“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

Will you take the hand of someone next to you? Bob, will you close with prayer?

And so it ended.  But before we left, Andrew's best friend asked if he could put something on the grave.  I told him of course.  He had a golf ball and a tee that he placed next to the stone.  I felt it would be okay, but Bill was afraid it would get disturbed by the animals or hit by the lawn mower.  So the next morning I walked up to his grave to retrieve it so Bill could attach it permanently.  When I got home, I looked at it closer.  It had Andrew Groom printed on the ball.  What a precious dedication to him.  And in addition to that, how precious was the love for my son that people shared on the day we dedicated his stone.

~Andrew's Mom

CARETAKERS

          My husband and my father are caretakers.  They take care of everyone else way before they take care of themselves.  Andrew knew I always wanted him to be more organized; however, that was not one of his strengths.  Maybe he knew, in the back of his mind, Grandpa and Grandma were always available to help him out.  Sometimes bi-weekly or weekly, my parents would get the phone call, "I'm late--can I have a ride?" or "I forgot my book--would you go get it?"  This was their secret, because they knew I would get on Andrew for not being organized.  They protected him.  I'm sad I couldn't let that go.  But for those three, it was their thing together.  It was a way for them to take care of Andrew, no matter how old he was.

           Even after the end of Andrew's life, Grandpa was still his caretaker.  He made the beautiful oak box that would hold Andrew's ashes.  He helped Bill set Andrew's stone into concrete.  He checks on him quite often. 

          We wanted to dedicate Andrew's stone before everyone got busy with harvest and other summer activities.  Usually a grave marker takes four weeks to be delivered, but I received a call two weeks after we had ordered his stone--it was ready.  So we called people and let them know we would have a dedication on Monday, July 5.

          Dad and Bill talked about how to set the stone into concrete.  Bill had the idea he would build a frame at home and then take the entire piece to the cemetary.  My father had a different idea.  We received a phone call on Friday, July 2 telling us everything was ready to start pouring the concrete.  Dad went up early that morning, marked the area, removed all the sod and dirt, and built the form, thus preparing the area for the placing of Andrew's stone into concrete.  So we guess that they would do all of it on site.

         So, on the hill overlooking the valley,  Andrew's two caretakers went to work one last time for him.  They placed the stone and began filling the form with concrete.  My sister-in-law gave us a double-shepherds hook to place between Andrew's stone and my in-laws stone.  This made the two stones become almost one. 

        While these two worked, I was the runner.  I brought doughnuts and coffee.  I went and got an extra bag of concrete.  Again, this was so surreal.  Here we were working on a project for Andrew.  We took breaks and enjoyed the lovely weather.  The only thing strange was where we working on this project.

         Bill and I had all the extra things that we wanted to add to the concrete, but Dad thought the concrete might be too wet to put the things in.  He told us to go eat lunch and come back to place the numbers and letters.  When we returned, it would be just right.  The thing none of us took into account was how breezy it was on the hill.  When we returned, the concrete was too set to add the numbers and the letters.  However, Bill was able to countersink his pins into the concrete.  Then Bill used concrete epoxy to attach the letters and the numbers.  When we told Dad, his reply was, "Opps.  Guess I gave you bad advice."  Oh well, it all worked out well.

          The final product turned out just as we imagined.  It is a wonderful place to visit, a place of peace for my sweet boy.

~Andrew's Mom

A NEW BEGINNING: LIFE WITHOUT ANDREW JUNE 11, 2010

          Do you know that life goes on even when you want it to stop?  I know Emily Dickinson must have written a poem that expresses the frustration of my life the day after we said good-bye to my son.  How can I look back at the first Friday of the rest of my life without him and say it was a good day?  But it was a good day.
        Before the Oregon kids went home, we wanted them to help us pick out Andrew's stone. We would do this today.
        Our morning began as we all gathered at my parent's home one more time, thus officially ending a week of sadness.  My school family fixed a beautiful breakfast for us.  It was the only meal of the week when the majority of both the Delps and the Grooms shared a table for a meal.  After we said our good-byes we went to Waitsburg to get Billy and his family and off to Walla Walla we went.
         Selecting a headstone for a sixteen year old is a pretty surreal experience.  Once again I use that word, but it really is the best one to describe what this was like.  It is kind of like shopping for paint.  One looks at samples and tries to imagine what it look like.  The price of headstones, I think, is outrageous.  So being the way I am, we looked for one we liked, but also one that wasn't too elaborate.  Andrew wasn't elaborate, so there wasn't any reason to go over the top.  We found one we like, so we immediately started making plans for it.  We wanted his full name, birth date, and death date.  Then we wanted something that would represent the things he really enjoyed in his life--sports.  It needed to have a football, a basketball, and a golf club.  We were told that in order for the club to look right, it needed to be on a bigger stone.  But maybe he could put a ball on a tee.  Sold!  That was the stone for me.  After we ordered the stone we looked at all the displays one more time, then we started envisioning what else we would like to include once we had the stone in its concrete base.  I decided, then and there, that we would put a set of his athletic pins from his letterman's jacket into the concrete. Amanda then suggested that we take brass numbers and letters to add "Groomer" plus his uniform numbers at the top and below his stone.  This plain little stone now grew into something that would show everyone who this boy really was.  He can't just be a name on a stone.  I need to have it yell, "This was my baby!  He was my most precious treasure!!  Please remember him!!"
          This is another day that I don't remember the middle, but I do remember the beginning and the end.  Billy and his family had things to do for the rest of the day, so we left them and began to make our way home.  We did this via Main Street and Klickers.  We did laugh this day, even though sometimes I felt guilty when I did. 
          As the first Friday of our life without Andrew was coming to a close, we went to the mountains to look at God's beautiful works.  We saw a herd of elk, something we really hadn't seen much lately.  Was it God giving us a break?  Was it God telling us life goes on, even though I didn't want it to?  Was it God telling me Andrew was with Him and he wanted us to have this gift on the end of this first Friday of the rest of our lives without him?  I think the answer was yes, to all of the above.

~Andrew's Mom
         
            

CARDS OF LOVE

          Once we returned home from our final trip to the cemetary, I went to the mailbox to get mail, just like I had done everyday since I had moved into that house on April 3, 1993.  Today I was not prepared for what I saw.  Our mailbox was stuffed to the brim with cards.  We received many cards at the service, so our number for the day was well into the hundreds.  I went through every card that night and was shocked at the amount of money people were giving in Andrew's name.  Some donations would go to support a kid going to Young Life Camp.  Other money would go to the Athletic Fund at the high school.  The sheer volume of heartfelt sadness for our family in the form of cards touched our family.  The thing that struck me the most about the cards was how many people from so many different places and circumstances could be touched by a sixteen year old boy.  Most of the cards were from people we knew, but some were from people who had been strangers to me.  However, I soon learned that my sweet boy had touched them--maybe for a moment, or for a day--but his kindness, enthusiasm, or sweet smile had touched them--and with that experience, those strangers became friends.
           For a week our mailbox would hold cards from all over the area.  I saved everyone.  Today I have two large plastic containers that hold precious words from precious people.  One day I will re-read them all.  But for now, they are with my other Andrew treasures.

~Andrew's Mom

A GATHERING OF FRIENDS--JUNE 10, 2010

          One thing that brings people together is food.  So how great was it that all of the people who had come to say good-bye to Andrew could get together and eat.  The Columbia County Fairgrounds became our dining room, giving our family an opportunity to gather with friends and share memories or hugs. 
         By the time we arrived at the fairgrounds, the parking lot was full.  It turned out to be a lovely afternoon, so it would be a wonderful opportunity to speak to all the people who had just shared a life changing experience with us.
          Wonderful women helped organize the meal and there was enough food to feed the entire county.  And that was the way it should be.  Food gives comfort and that is what we wanted--comfort from the unbelievable pain of a broken heart. 

          The Youth Building was full to the brim and the noise that rose from it was almost joyful.  Even though we were missing an important person to us, our family and community were still intact.  We went outside to eat.  It was a little breezy, but it was a relief to be in the cool breeze.  I looked at the table across from us--it was full of kids.  Even though my life would never be the same, it gave me comfort to see those kids smile again. 
          We spent some time with friends looking through all the different pictures and items we had on display in the Pavilion.  How did I have all that stuff in my house?  It was fun to remember the events that surrounded the different pictures.  Soon it was time to begin cleaning up.  So many helped that it went quickly. We thanked the ladies who had done so much.  We took a little of the food home for later.  We left.  Yet we had one more place to go. 
          Many of the flowers the kids had given to us had been brought to the Youth Building, along with the other flowers.  But they needed to go back to the cemetary.  So we went back up the hill one more time.  The only thing I wanted left on Andrew's grave was the wreath of cabin greens and a spray of red and gold flowers from the Dayton FCC.  Now we would add the flowers from the kids.  We stood staring at the spot where our son's ashes would be for the rest of our lives.  Again, I didn't want to leave him.  What kind of mother am I?  But in the end, we did leave and I really didn't feel he was alone.  His great-grandparents--three sets-- were there.  Our dear friend George Wood was just over the hill.  Aunt Hubba was just around the corner.  One thing a friend told me was that she was sure her mother was with Andrew now. I have this very vivid thought of Donna Davis pushing Jim Helm out of the way to greet Andrew.  Knowing that all the saints who went before him welcomed him home, helped me leave him that night.

~Andrew's Mom

SAYING GOOD-BYE--JUNE 10, 2010

How does a mother say good-bye to her son?  The day began by finishing up the picture display and then going to see the flower arrangements created for the service.  My sister-in-law offered to create a few arrangements made from flowers from my in-laws' yard, the family cabin, her yard, and her friend's yard.  They were all beautiful and very special.  There was an arrangement for every family group--parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles, and cousins.  Our arrangement was purple--the color of his birthstone.  The arrangement from his grandparents were peonies that Andrew had helped Grandpa plant.  A wreath of cabin greens would be from his aunts and uncles--a place where we spent many special times with family.  The flowers were just one way this service would be special. 

Next we went to the fairgrounds to set up the picture displays.  Not only would we be able to gather in the Youth Building, but they were opening up the Pavilion for overflow.  Once again, people were so thoughtful and kind.  When we arrived at the fairgrounds, the summer crew was cleaning the place.  Michael, a young man who had served as the manager for Andrew's football and basketball team, was washing the parking area.  When we went into the Pavilion, we saw girls and boys who were high school mates of his, even though they had been upperclassmen.  One of the girls was a student of mine who had just finished her first year at WSU.  I saw the same sadness in their faces that we had seen all week.  I also saw the uncertainty of what to say.  Their boss was a gentleman who had been so kind to Andrew on the golf course.  They would have made great golfing buddies.
         The rest of the morning is just a blur.  I do remember sitting in the house with the kids, just waiting until it was time to go.  I wanted to go pretty early to greet people.  However, so many arrived before we did.  I saw so many friends--friends who had the same sadness in their eyes that we did.  We tried to hug as many as we could before the service began, because we didn't know what the after would bring. 

         It saddens me that Andrew forgot how much he was loved. So many came to honor his life that June afternoon on that beautiful hill overlooking Dayton.  His basketball teammates arrived in a school bus--how appropriate was that considering Andrew never wanted to ride home with us from a game--he wanted to be on the bus with his team.  The Waitsburg-Prescott football team came in their jerseys.  So much crimson and gold worn by the high school friends.  So much sadness in eyes so young.  Even though we were there to honor and remember my son's brief life, there was just so much sadness. 
         The service helped to ease some of that sadness.  Two men who are spiritual advisers to us took part in the service.  Our current pastor led most of the service, but the pastor who had married us and who had dedicated Andrew's life to God shared memories of Andrew's early years.  Two special classmates sang a beautiful song.  Mike read a poem I had been given entitled "Loan."  It was a wonderful way to say good-bye to Andrew.  At the close of the service, friends of his came to give us flowers to lay on Andrew's grave.  As they gave Bill or me a flower, they also gave us a precious hug that would help to ease the pain of the day.  The kids in our lives have been wonderful through all of this.  We need to remind them every day how precious they are to us. 
         As we were preparing to leave, I went to look one more time at all the flowers on Andrew's grave.  Along with the flowers, one of the cheerleaders left her crimson and gold pom poms.  Crimson and gold spirit beads also had been left.  However, the one thing that didn't quite register was the football jersey.  It was white with the blue numbers 42.  Suddenly, I understood.  It was Clint's football jersey from high school.  He wanted it to be buried with him.  Even at the end, he wanted to take care of his little brother.

          I can't tell you how hard it was to leave Andrew.  Even though I know those are just his remains, that is my baby.  He never liked the dark.  How can I leave him?  But leave him I must, we have people to go see.

~Andrew's Mom

THE DAY OF PREPARATION--JUNE 9, 2010

          Part of the purpose of my writing is to help me remember and sort through the events of the past few months.  Wednesday, June 9, 2010 is pretty much a blur.  I do remember this is the day of my first meltdown.  I was home alone--first time I had been alone since Andrew's death.  I decided a shower would make me feel better.  As the water from the shower erupted from the shower head, a shower of tears erupted from my soul.  I just couldn't stop crying.  As I got out of the shower I heard wailing and realized it was me.  For what seemed like an eternity, I cried to God.  "I'm sorry!  I'm so sorry!"  It was like those were the only words I could speak.  I think those two phrases had been building in me since I learned of Andrew's choice.  I remembered that the Jews would tear their clothing and wail in sorrow.  That is exactly what I wanted to do.  Bill arrived back home and took me in his arms.  What else would be able to comfort me?  He reassured me, yet again, this was not my fault.  I didn't believe that.  Friends tell me I am forgiven of all.  It's hard to remember that as you plan for your son's funeral.  I wanted to create a personal program for Andrew's service, so Bill and I went to school so I could get this done.  It was the first time I had been back in the building since I had run out Monday afternoon.  My friends had cleared my tables and put the remnants of graduation away.  It was comforting being there.  After I put everything onto a CD, off to our local Staples we went.  I never thought I would be able to create something so quickly.  Again God helped me in a task that was so important to me.  As we did mundane errands, I almost felt normal.  However, the lack of our backseat passenger reminded me that my life would never again be normal.  The older children--Andrew's brothers, sisters-in-law and sister--would be at the house by 3 p.m.  We needed to return home.  When they arrived, the sadness in their faces was more than I could take.  Andrew forgot how much those kids loved him.  They were as broken as we were.  How would our family survive?  Bill and the boys went somewhere to do something.  I don't remember now, but Bill did share with me later that he took them to the cemetary to show them where Andrew's remains would be placed.  He felt it was important for them to have this time--at that spot--together.  Meanwhile, I gave the three girls the job of putting pictures onto presentation boards.  This was their gift to us.  It had been hard enough going through all the pictures, selecting ones to share.  They created precious displays of our beloved Andrew for us to share with others. We all went out to Bill's parents for dinner.  It was a pretty quiet meal.  Bill's niece and nephew were helping in the kitchen--they will never know how much this helped everyone.  After dinner, Bill and I, along with his youngest sister, went to Walla Walla to pick up the service programs.  We had a great talk on the way to town. but it was so surreal.  Once we returned. everyone helped to fold the programs. Again--so surreal.  Why in the world were we doing this for one of the youngest of our family? When this task was finished, it was time to go home.  The kids would stay with others, so Bill and I returned to our home, alone.  It was time to prepare to say good-bye to Andrew.  I didn't want Thursday to come.




~Andrew's Mom

CANDLELIGHT VIGIL--JUNE 8, 2010

     God deals with each of us differently, according to our needs.  On June 8th, Bill and I didn't think we would be strong enough to attend the Candlelight Vigil for Andrew, but He had different plans.  I can't tell you when we decided to go, but we did go.  First, Bill said, "Let's just park by McGregor's and watch."  Okay I thought, but that's not what we did.  We parked in the same spot we always park when we go to any event at the football field.  I told Bill I was going to sit with the family.  The organizers had placed two benches right in front of the bleachers, so I knew I didn't have to look at anyone--just the speakers.  Bill, I think, still thought he would just observe from McGregors.  But then we saw Billy, Jessie, and Hendrix coming from that direction.  We went to join them so we could go through this as a family.  None of us thought we would be able to deal with a lot of people, but again, God has a different plan.  First we saw our friends, Gabby and Arecali--their son was a senior when Andrew was a freshman and Bill had worked with both at Seneca--our first hugs. Then as we started making our way to the field, I saw our friends Mel and Lindell.  They, too, have dealt with this pain. More hugs.  God was just gently guiding us to our seats.  We saw the huge signs with "We love you Andrew" on the field house walls.  We saw the bleachers full of faces of those who love Andrew and who love us.  It was a beautiful time of sharing.  We lit candles.  We let balloons go to the heavens.  We sang songs.  We listened as his best friend read the words his friends had written.  We listened to pastors speak about the darkness that had descended onto our Valley.  We listened to pastors speak about the hope that a relationship with Christ brings.  We listened to men who had served as my son's coaches speak about their feelings about my son.  "He was the ultimate teammate.  His absence is a missing piece to the Bulldog nation.  He had the heart of a lion.  Bulldog Born, Bulldog Bred."  Those words are so precious to all of us.  We felt that way about him, so it was wonderful to know others felt the same.  As the final prayer was being lifted to God, I felt strength surround me.  God knew I had something to say, but he also knew I didn't have the strength to do it alone.  He wrapped His arms around me and led me to the front of the bleachers.  When the prayer ended I took the microphone.   I looked to my left and saw my Waitsburg kids standing as a tight group on the track.  I looked to my right and saw our Dayton kids sitting as close as they could in the same bleachers where they had watched Andrew play football.  I had a message I wanted to give to those kids--no matter how small or unimportant you may feel, you are loved and you are special.  However, I really have no idea what I said.  I remember telling everyone that Andrew was a gift--he was.  I remember telling them they were loved--they are.  Other than that, I spoke God's words.  That message was for those there that night and only for them.  The event was taped, but my words were not.  Again--God's plan.  This was a moment in the time of our life never to be repeated.  The message is God's not mine.  That is why I think I have no idea what I said, but those who were there heard it.  After, our friends and our community covered us with hugs.  So many had been touched by my boy's life, yet I really don't think he realized his impact on others.  If only he would have really understood how we felt about him. That makes me so sad.  However, in our sadness, Bill and I have found joy--joy in being called to be Andrew's mom and dad.


Proud to be~
Andrew's Mom

THE DETAILS OF THE DAY--JUNE 8, 2010

How does one wake up from a nightmare?  Tuesday was a day that started out as a fog, but ended up being a blessing.  We knew that we wanted to start putting things into place to say good-bye to Andrew.  Bill went into his room and gathered all the things that needed to be returned to school, so we would make the high school our first stop of the day.

     Before we left the house, I called our friend and spiritual mentor, David.  When he answered the phone, I couldn't speak.  David had been the pastor who had married Bill and me.  He was the pastor who had helped us dedicate Andrew to God.  Now he was the pastor who would help us say good-bye to our son.  Things for Andrew's service were quickly falling into place.

     While Bill went into the school, I stayed in the car.  I had just been here Friday afternoon, picking up Andrew from school.  How had this happen?  Our friend Marne followed Bill out of the high school.  A candlelight vigil at the football field was being planned for this evening.  After Marne left, the first thing I said to Bill was, "I don't think I can go."  He agreed, so we went to my mother and dad's to begin making plans for his service.  The day really is pretty much a blur.  I wrote his obituary.  I selected the scripture I wanted to be read.  Bill and I decided we wanted to have the service Thursday, if that was possible.  We made arrangements for his cremation. This was all so surreal.

     For 24 hours the home where I had grown up became a sanctuary for us.  People were in and out of my parents' home. Everyone was so kind. We shared memories and we shared tears.  We shared our disbelief.  We shared our question why? 
     Once school was out for the day, Andrew's teammates came to visit.  Their coaches had been so great to those boys.  They had gathered them together so they didn't have to go through this individually.  They would face this as they had gone through so many other experiences--as a team.  When they arrived we saw genuine grief in the eyes of those boys.  They had shared so much for so many years--never did they think they would have to share the death of a friend. The basketball team was scheduled to leave for a team camp at the University of Montana Friday, right after the last minute of their school year ended.  We purposefully made the decision to have Andrew's service on Thursday so the boys could go onto Missoula, if they wished.  We wanted them to play a lot of basketball and have fun.  Andrew would not have wanted them to stay home.  Our other wish for the boys was to wear crimson and gold to Andrew's service--no black for those kids.  After they left, we realize it was time to make a decision: could we survive attending the candlelight vigil?


Looking for strength~
Andrew's Mom

JUNE 7, 2010

On June 7, my sweet 16 year old boy decided the world was more than he could bear and he took his own life. Needless to say, my world has stopped and I am trying to come to grips with my new reality.  Over the past two months, I have written hundreds of letters to the many people who have shown kindness to my family and me.  I decided to continue my writing by sharing my thoughts with whoever reads this.  I want to share the kindness our community has shown us.  I want to share the things I have read in books given to me by dear friends.  I want to share the grace of God that has allowed us to deal with the loss of our son. 


I begin this journey today.  Let's see where this road takes me.


~Andrew's Mom